If you were in a horror movie, which victim would you be?
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If you were in a horror movie, which victim would you be?
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Any diehard fan of horror movies knows there is a sequence of killings that take place. While the death scenes try to be inventive and different, the victims always fall into distinct personality stereotypes. A couple of years ago, I created this “movie victim personality test” to share with my friends via e-mail. I wouldn’t be surprised if it has ‘anonymously’ made the rounds of the net already, but now, I officially share it with you. Have fun, and feel free to send it out to friends in an e-mail. But do me the favor of sending the link in the window above instead of copying and pasting the text…that way, maybe you’ll turn others on to my writing! Oh. And if you’re wondering which personality I fit into, I was #10—The Heroine’s Closest Friend. If only I was a virgin, I would have made it to the top spot…. ___________________________________________________________________ Here’s how it works:
— Write the numbers 1-13 on a piece of paper. — Read each of the 30 sentiments below. —
If the sentiment fits your point of view, on your piece of paper, put a
check next to —
When you finish all 30 sentiments, determine which number on your piece of
paper — Match that number to the corresponding “13 Ways to Die…” character, below. — You may even have a tie. Which could mean you’re actually a schizo serial killer…. ___________________________________________________________________ 30 SENTIMENTS Remember: on your numbered piece of paper, put a check next to every individual number listed after each particular sentiment that fits your point of view. For example, if you agree with number 2 below (Seeing is believing), put checks next to numbers 1, 2, and 9 on your piece of paper.
1) I am too funny! 1
2) Seeing is believing. 1, 2, 9
3) Why is everyone always picking on me? 3, 8, 13
4) You don’t have to tell me twice. 8, 10, 11, 12
5) I’ll chew your ear off (figuratively). 1, 3, 5, 7, 8
6) That’s right baby! Right there! Oh yes! Yes!!! 4, 5, 6
7) Not now, I have a headache. 2, 8, 9, 12, 13
8) Party! 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 10
9) I take thee, in sickness and in health. 5, 7, 10, 11, 12
10) Making you feel miserable makes me feel good. 1, 6, 13
11) I’m a people person. 1, 4, 5, 8, 10, 11, 12
12) I’m up for anything. 5, 7
13) Do these pants make me look fat? 4, 5, 6, 7
14) I’m a go-getter. 1, 3, 4, 6, 9, 10, 11, 13
15) When the going gets tough, the tough get going. 9, 10, 11, 12, 13
16) Better safe than sorry. 8, 10, 11, 12
17) If I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it. 1, 6, 9, 13
18) You can depend on me. 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
19) I just want to be left alone. 2, 3, 6, 9, 13
20) Thank you sir, may I have another? 10, 11, 12, 13
21) The sight of blood makes me ill. 5, 8
22) Don’t get mad, get even. 6, 13
23) Why does everyone else get to have all the fun? 2, 9, 12
24) These kids today! 2, 3, 9, 12, 13
25) We’re doomed! 3, 8
26) Why me? 2
27) My phone never rings. 2, 3, 13
28) I am the wind beneath your wings. 5, 7
29) Please make the voices go away! 3, 8, 13
30) You think you’re all that? Try me on for size. 1, 4, 6, 9, 13 ___________________________________________________________________ 13 Ways to Die... Remember: Add up all the checks beside each number on your piece of paper to determine which (1-13) accumulated the most. Next, read the corresponding numbered personality type below, and you’ll know how long you would survive in a horror movie….
#1 The Wise Ass You constantly jump out from behind walls to scare everyone. You are the last one to believe in anything supernatural or unexplainable, and often ridicule those who do, which is why you are the first to go. You are sometimes obnoxious and not-too-attractive, with low self-esteem.
#2 The Nobody You are void of any personality, in the wrong place at the wrong time, with no idea that a bunch of teens are in for an ill-fated weekend. You may work in the death setting (camp, morgue, hospital, etc.). You are completely disposable, a hunk of meat to be slaughtered for an initial scare. Sometimes, you even get it before #1 (The Wise Ass). You are not missed once you are gone; no one comes looking for you. A bad prosthetic version of one of your body parts occasionally makes it to the last couple of frames, however.
#3 The Warning Signal You, by either a sixth-sense or just because you were there fifteen years before when the initial murders took place, try to warn everyone. They think you are a witch or a crazy old man. You lurk in the shadows, making yourself all the more suspicious. When you leap out of a closet, all bug-eyed, to warn of the eminent danger, you freak everyone out, are forced back into hiding, end up behind the same tree as the killer, and find yourself tied to it with a piece of barbwire around the head. Your demise is usually in the first half-hour of the film because you have a big mouth, even though no one believes a word you say.
#4 The Horny, Strapping Young Lad Quite the stud, but with no other positive traits. You came on this outing for one reason only. The first chance that you get, you put yourself in a very naked and vulnerable position: in a lake while skinny dipping; in the bedroom of absent parents; or in the last place you should be having sex, like the front display window of the mall’s furniture store after closing. You are completely oblivious to the legend that all your friends have been teasing one another about. Therefore, you really do not see it coming, and usually, you have just done so yourself, or are right in the middle of it. Probably the most enjoyable way to die. (Except when you get a machete through the groin while doing a handstand. Ouch!)
#5 The Coy, Yet Equally Horny Girl Your devotion to #4 (The Horny, Strapping Young Lad) makes you hands-off to all others, and masks your true personality. You continuously tell #4 to keep his thing in his pants—until you are alone. Then you enticingly wiggle out of your jeans, slip your shirt over your head, back turned teasingly towards the closet in which the killer hides, and become the nympho you really are. Although you are also having sex when you die, unfortunately, it is with a dead guy. #4 is still inside you when you see the killer over his shoulder and past your ankle. #4 thinks your scream means he is really good, and before you know it, you are covered in his blood. If you are lucky, you are both swiftly shish kebabed by a spear, and spend your dying moments gazing into one another’s eyes. How romantic.
#6 The Bully/Bitch You last pretty far into the film because you work as a direct foil to #12 (The Heroine). You think your shit don’t smell. You torment everyone and have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Your gorgeous looks can not make up for the personality. You often have a vicious practical joke on your mind, such as dumping pigs’ blood on the prom queen. Yours is by far the most violent and painful death, because you deserve it.
#7 The Bimbo/Muscle Head Whether a girl or a guy, you are a complete follower, all looks, no brains. You are always the partner of #6 (The Bully/Bitch), willing to go along with any cruel plans he or she has, even though your intent is not evil. You just do not know any better. On the bright side (that’s a paradox!), your murder is swift and simple, demonstrating how gullible you are even in death (ex: you willingly search out the killer by going to check the mysterious noise in the basement of the mausoleum where all those murders took place years ago).
#8 The Wimp If a guy, you are bright enough to survive and well aware of the formula of a horror movie, but do not have the strength to defend yourself. If a girl, you become hysterical and inadvertently run directly into the killer’s knife while doing the most intelligent thing: getting the hell out of there. Your babbling/blubbering requires that you be silenced. Also, you are often just not attractive enough to save.
#9 The Ignorant Authority Figure You come on the scene knowing something has gone horribly wrong, but much too late to save many people. You think you are invincible because you have a badge and a gun. You try to take control of the situation, but it turns out the ‘trouble making’ kids are better trained in self-defense and observation than you are, because the killer is right behind you! Watch out! Oh! And there goes your head!
#10 The Heroine’s Closest Friend You are the coolest, the person everyone loves, attractive and witty. You nearly make it to the end. The killer does not surprise you, and you actually get in a few really good shots. For the first time, the audience is cheering for the victim instead of the killer. After a long and tedious battle however, you are overcome. But unlike the previous victims, you are given a chance to act out your anguish in front of the camera, reminding us that you are truly human, not just a piece of flesh. In the worst case scenario, #12 (The Heroine) witnesses your dismemberment while helping pull your leg from the hole in the floorboard that stalled you just long enough for the killer to get you. It is good to know, however, as you fade away, that someone actually cared enough to hold your hand in your final moments.
#11 The Heroine’s Boyfriend You are cute and charming, which is why the entire audience roots for you. You last until the final fifteen minutes. If the screenwriter has a heart, you are ironically only wounded by the killer, just long enough for #12 (The Heroine) to be stalked until she has used up all her resources, at which point you stumble back into the room and save the day, bleeding wounds and all.
#12 The Heroine/Sole Survivor You may not seem like much at the film’s beginning, but you truly prove yourself. You have a “could be pretty if she got new clothes and applied some makeup” appearance. You are not exactly a goody two shoes, but more of a level-headed, responsible, moral person. You may not totally believe in the supernatural or unexplainable, but you are open-minded enough to accept the unacceptable if it means saving yourself. You lose your cool when your friends’ corpses begin falling out of closets and dropping from trees, but you quickly compose yourself, take action and learn to defend yourself, untwisting a coat hanger with your bare hands or taking caffeine pills with coffee to stay up all night. You can overlook the pain of a knife-grazed shoulder or twisted ankle—you are determined to live. And the best part is, you do. However, if after the initial success of your first horror movie you think you can desert the genre, you get offed in the first five minutes of the sequel due to contractual agreements, and all your heroism in the original film seems like a big waste of time. The other option is that #11 (The Heroine’s Boyfriend) is spared, you live happily ever after, a new heroine is auditioned for an unrelated sequel, and your fans turn their backs on you for selling out and doing mainstream films. Until 20 years later, when you pretend that 4 more sequels didn’t even happen and return to finish off the killer yourself.
#13 The Killer You definitely hold a grudge, have an impressionable mind and snap without warning. You were tormented and teased in high school and left horribly disfigured by the group who has just returned for their 10-year reunion and still finds their adolescent actions funny. Or, you witnessed the horrible death of a family member fifteen years before, and, at that moment, vowed to get revenge. Or you were raised as a girl by a psychotic aunt when you are actually a boy. Or you do not have an aunt, but just choose to dress up in women’s skin. In any case, you are only human, and are killed by the end of the film. Unless, of course, you died years before, either drowned in a lake or burned in an abandoned warehouse by a group of angry parents. Now, you have immortality on your side, and can either show up in dreams or get up and keep killing even after six rounds are shot into your chest. You can be hacked to pieces, buried, burned, and yet still travel to Manhattan for an enjoyable slaughter session.
©2007 Daniel W. Kelly |