The DAN ZONE

A couple of years ago, I caught this movie called The Roost on cable, and it really struck a chord with me. It was a 2005 film, but it looked and felt like something out of the late 70s or early 80s. But that wasn’t the only reason I liked it. It was a creepy, tense, suspenseful film that delivered an atmosphere of isolation and dread. The story is simple and typical. A bunch of kids heading for a Halloween party in the middle of nowhere crash their car in a ditch after a bat dive bombs their windshield. Of course, they have to get out in the middle of the dirt road at night to try to find help. Other than a jack-o-lantern on the porch of the house they come across, there’s really no focus on the Halloween holiday in this film.

The Roost is a bats/zombie hybrid. A roost of bats lives in the creepy old barn at the seemingly abandoned house. If they bite you, you turn into a zombie. The film’s spookiness is due in part to the limited number of people and zombies crawling around the barn. In heavy retro style, the film uses some classic Argento lighting of red, green and blue at times, but mostly, it relies on just the drop lighting that illuminates the barn, which reminds me very much of the super dark and shadowy atmosphere at the isolated camp in the original Friday the 13^th. Director Ti West allows darkness to be as black as it truly is, immersing viewers in the location. Slow pans, far shots and sustained still shots are all reminiscent of the most effective camera work of films from the past, instead of the A.D.D. choppy editing used in modern films. Although one character has a cell phone, the film is almost timeless, with no noticeable current cultural references to date it. This seems to be something the director shies away from in his films as he celebrates films of the past. The quality of the film is even made to look grainy and flecked with white specs you used to see on old VHS tapes.

While The Roost is a subtle homage to films from the 80s, Ti West’s second film, the slow burning The House of the Devil, pretty much sets itself in the 80s without ever saying it. This creepfest has people smoking in a public pizza parlor, has the main character using a cassette walkman with spongy headphones, focuses on the use of a pay phone, features corded phones with rotary dials, and doesn’t once show a modern computer, not even in the main character’s dorm room.

The plot is, again, simple but perfect for setting up an atmosphere of isolation. A young college student, desperate for cash, takes a spur of the moment babysitting job at a big house way out in the woods…which leads her into some serious occult trouble. When her friend (who has high 80s hair and heavy mascara) drives her to the house, we get a rear view of the car’s taillights that looks like it was lifted right from the original John Carpenter Halloween when Annie and Laurie are arriving at their babysitting gigs. Later on, the main character looks up the stairwell of the house where she’s babysitting and again it’s straight out of Halloween, when Laurie looks up the stairwell while calling nervously for her friends.

Speaking of horror films that starred Jamie Lee Curtis, the eerie sustained string chords used as this film’s soundtrack are highly reminiscent of the score from the original Prom Night. There are even some classic 80s tracks used in the film. On the car radio can be heard Greg Kihn’s “The Breakup Song (They Don’t Write Me Like That Anymore)” and the song “One of Our Submarines” by Thomas Dolby. The main character at one point puts on her walkman and does a very 80s solo impromptu dance through the house to the sounds of The Fixx’s “One Thing Leads to Another.”

But as cheesy as her dance routine is, the main character in The House of the Devil does something that rarely happens in horror movies—when she gets totally freaked out from being alone in the creepy old house, she turns on EVERY light in it. Now THAT is realism and one of many reasons to see this film. As icing on the 80s horror cake, 80s scream queen Dee Wallace has a super short cameo.

While Ti West hasn’t scored himself a major theatrical release yet, he may be on his way, because his latest film was just released directly to DVD…Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever. Obviously it’s not his own creation this time, but more a film for hire. But it is a sequel to a major horror release (that I love), so it looks like Ti is on his way. I just hope he doesn’t get pigeonholed into making second rate direct to DVD sequels. Cabin Fever 2 is fun enough, but it can’t compare to Ti’s own films. It has a more polished, modern feel, although he does manage to through in some of his 80s references, including songs like the Ramones’ “Somebody Put Something in My Drink,” Sparks’ “The Willys,” and Sparks’ “Eaten by the Monster of Love,” a song that just happened to also have been featured in the 80s classic Valley Girl! But even better than that, Ti uses a song from the ultimate late 70s/early 80s horror cheese moment—the disco song Prom Night that was played during that ridiculous disco dance scene between Jamie Lee Curtis and her boyfriend in the original Prom Night. I could NOT believe my ears when it came on!

The plot of Cabin Fever 2 lends itself more to a title like High School Fever. In this far inferior sequel, the infection is spreading through a high school during prom, which eventually leads to the entire student body being locked inside, which adds a serious Quarantine element to the film. However, the high school gym dance setting is ripe for Carrie references, which it totally delivers. The eerie blue and red lighting is there, the viewpoint from the stage down at the crowd of students is there, and eventually, chaos erupts and everyone starts running for the gym doors JUST like in Carrie. But to add something new to the mix, there’s a very explicit scene involving the infection’s effects on a teenage boy’s genitals that might make you a lifelong spitter if you aren’t already….

I’m not sure if Cabin Fever 2: Spring Break is a good thing or bad thing for Ti West’s career. I just hope he still has time to make his own non-mainstream films. Because I’m highly anticipating more films like The Roost and The House of the Devil.

For every one reality show loaded with hot male messes, there are about 100 filled with bitchy female messes (meaning, Tool Academy vs. the rest of reality television). So WHY oh WHY did VH-1 decide to make season 3 of Tool Academy not only CO-ED, but throw in a big butch lesbian tool at that???

Not that the season will be any less entertaining, but throwing a bull dyke and a skank mess into the arena with all the men absolutely detracts from the testosterone levels (although, I think the lesbian alone might have more testosterone than every guy on the show).

On the bright side, the hetero skank mess tool was enrolled by her REALLY attractive boyfriend, who deserves so much better than her, even if she does end up graduating the academy. This guy, Kyle, is as chiseled as the Dick Tracy comic book character…the stress being on “Dick”. He’s probably my favorite male on the new season (sadly, no picture of him yet), which also includes a couple of other hot mess guy candy.

Long Island boy Jordan is obsessed with being in a boy band. And hey, who knows. Boy bands may be making a comeback as the 90s begin celebrating their 20 year anniversary. Jordan definitely has a fantastic body, carefully grooms himself (to look younger) and is cute in, well, an aging boy band member kind of way, but he’s a self-loathing Jew, which is a real turnoff. This guy changed his name and wears crucifixes as part of his ‘persona’ because he doesn’t’ think it’s cool to be Jewish. Sad.

Tommy is someone I kind of forget until he’s on screen again, but every time he is, I’m like, oh yeah, he’s kinda cute.

Shawn has the same name as my all-time favorite Tool Academy student, messy-Mohawk Shawn, who I can’t BELIEVE hasn’t gotten his own reality show yet. Anyway, this new Shawn is adorable because he pretty much looks exactly like Seann William Scott, minus the goofball edge in the facial features.

And finally, there’s Angelo, the big cry baby of the show. He just has that sexy doofus thing going on. Bald, strong nose, bubbly lips, and a body to die for that more than makes up for his goofy facial expressions, which are actually kind of cute in their own way.

Oh, and here’s another piece of Tool Academy news while I’m at it. If I’m not mistaken, John L., the big steroid head from season 2, is beginning to dabble in porn. GAY porn, as it appears this is him on a NSFW gay website.

And what better way to end this Tool Academy discussion than with a photo of the number one hottest tool ever, Shawn:

Did everyone see the “We Are the World 2010” video this weekend? I had no expectations for the new version, but I actually kind of liked it. The major thing I noticed was that many of the voices are less distinguishable than those in the original. Some solos were very distinct, like Celine Dion, Barbra Streisand, Jennifer Hudson, Pink, Enrique Iglesias, and Josh Groban. But the voices of soloists like Fergie, Toni Braxton, Miley Cyrus, Nicole Scherzinger (the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls), Adam Levine (lead singer of Maroon 5), Usher, and even Mary J. Blige, I wouldn’t have recognized unless I’d seen the video—and that’s not to say that these artists don’t usually have very unique voices. The solos of hip hop artists like Akon and Lil Wayne sound completely electronic and robotic, I guess to give them the trademark studio manipulated techniques they use on their own recordings. Wyclef Jean also sounds like his voice has been digitally altered, but I don’t actually think it is. Whatever is going on there, which seems to be some sort of Haitian stylizing, it sounds odd.

Highlights include Jamie Foxx doing an impression of Ray Charles’ line from the original 1985 version, Celine Dion belting out the Cyndi Lauper part, and of course, the insertion of Michael Jackson’s original vocals and his video clip from the 1985 version. However, having him ‘duet’ with Janet is kind of weird. You can’t hear Janet singing at all. Visually it looks off too, because they have a grainy 80s clip of Michael on the left and a crystal clear clip of Janet on the right, and she just sort of looks like she’s going through the motions, moving her lips while staring blankly ahead. What I actually like most of all is the rap part! It’s the one thing that adds a modern feel and groove to this remake, with artists like LL Cool J, Snoop Dogg, Busta Rhymes and Will.i.am rapping in unison. It isn’t over-the-top ganster rap, it’s actually delivered in a very harmonious, passionate way that flows perfectly with the rest of the song. It’s reminiscent of that benefit cover of “What’s Going On” that a bunch of artists did a while back.

As for disappointments, there are really only two so far. First, Ann and Nancy Wilson (aka: Heart) are in the chorus, and I can’t BELIEVE they didn’t give Ann a solo considering she is one of the best female vocalists of the hard rock era. Second, as of right now, the song is only available as a download! BLECH. Give me a frickin’ physical CD to add to my collection.

So, we were being warned for days that New York was going to be hit by a brutal blizzard that would shut everything down. It did pretty much shut everything down–because everyone believed the hype. Schools and businesses all decided the night before that they would not be open. My company was even closed , which is a shock, because it pretty much never closes. Yet, by around noon yesterday, I was looking out my front door and thinking, “Man, my company must be kicking itself for closing down today. This snowstorm is laughable.” The roads were completely clear! But well into the night, the news reports continued to totally blow the storm’s intensity out of proportion. No one seems to remember the two feet of snow we got in December! Now THAT was a blizzard. A sadly ignored blizzard. Just look at the clip above. My dogs were practically drowning in the snow. They couldn’t even relieve themselves in the yard because their pee-pees were all pressed up against the cold white drifts! They haven’t had even the slightest problem taking care of business in this storm.

I’ll never forget when I saw Xanadu in the theaters in 1980. Sure, it featured a bunch of roller skating muses, but this wasn’t no roller disco movie. There wasn’t a disco song to be found on the soundtrack. The vivid neon colors, the fashions, and the keyboard-saturated tracks by Electric Light Orchestra were all signs of what was to come in the decade ahead. The ‘electric’ sound of their song “I’m Alive,” which opens the movie, accompanies the ‘digital age’ visual of the muses, surrounded by sizzling halos of light, as they pull away from their graffiti art likenesses on a brick wall on the street. The movie seems so self-aware about ushering in the new decade (not to mention prophetic). Andy Gibb clone Michael Beck makes a self-proclamation about the modern sounds he wants for his purely 80s club, which serves as the introduction to the song “Dancin,” in which innocent and virginal pre-Physical Olivia Newton-John does an old-skool-meets-new-skool duet with The Tubes—who would score their biggest hit a few years later as part of the new wave movement with “She’s A Beauty.” While Olivia’s big band segment is lip-synched by three “Andrew Sisters” types in the film, the electro rock segment featuring the Tubes is drenched in neon lights, with the camera focusing heavily on electric guitars, keyboards, and scantily clad women in tight spandex and leather. This often scorned film was a pioneer! Here’s a clip of ONJ actually performing as all three women on Midnite Special with the Tubes. Just doesn’t have the same effect as it was presented in the film:

Next we have…no, not Tron. A year before that, there was Looker. This 1981 sci-fi thriller starring Albert Finney and Susan Dey (goodbye 70s), focuses heavily on the world of fashion modeling and its obsession with perfection (Wow. That was a prophecy of Nostradamus-sized proportions). The main plot of the movie is that this evil company (don’t they always have to be evil?) has created a computer that can determine how to make a woman’s features flawless…as long as she gets the surgery to fix those digitally detected flaws. However, what the computer is really doing is creating cyber women based on the anatomy of the real women! Bwah hah hah! But there’s a much deeper mystery here as beautiful models begin, um, jumping out high-rise apartment building windows on a regular basis after seeing mysterious flashes of light that seem to hypnotize them and make them lose all sense of time. What would happen if the technology of digitally generated people on TV was combined with an ability to hypnotize people with light? It would be a recipe for world domination I would say. I mean, how do we even know President Obama really exists???

The real 80s treasure here is the “Looker” theme song. This icy synth vocal rocker with seductive female vocals has a pulsing electronic riff that screams 80s soundtrack song. The track is as perfect as the women in the movie. For the film, the song is performed by never-was recording artist Sue Saad (I wish her lone album would be reissued on CD!), and it was covered by Kim Carnes a few years later. I have Kim’s version, but have been searching with no success for the original 45 RPM record of the Sue Saad version. Because as it stands, my “Absolute 80s” folder on my iPod simply isn’t absolute without it…

I can see this being an analogy on next year’s SATs: missionaries are to the new millennium as televangelists were to the 80s. First a group of missionaries basically coaxed Uganda into killing all gays, and now another group allegedly tried to kidnap children from Haiti.

When I first heard the story, I was sort of like, well, they shouldn’t try to take them out of the country without permission, especially if their parents are still there, but I can’t totally blame them. I mean, I can’t imagine what it must have been like to see children suffering in all that devastation (I kept flashing back to that news clip of a young boy having a cinderblock thrown at his head before being saved by Anderson Cooper). Hell, I want to kidnap every dog in the shelter when I go there, and they’re simply in cages. I think the natural human instinct SHOULD be to want to get those kids out of that nightmare.

But it’s gotten a lot more complex than a good deed gone wrong. The last I heard, one news crew got to see the ten missionaries in jail, and one of the missionaries slipped the reporter a note signed by most of the missionaries saying that one chick in particular was acting as the spokesperson for all of them (the one who keeps saying on the news that she believes God will get her out of there safely), and that she’s involved in some shady adoption dealings they knew nothing about when they came to Haiti, and that they fear for their lives as a result. WTF???

Hopefully the truth will come out and justice–if it’s needed–will be served, but damn! Give God a break! Missionaries have been doing more good than any of us could probably imagine for longer than we can imagine. All it takes is a handful of despicable products of modern society to permanently tarnish the long-standing reputation of the missionary movement.

I’ve posted this clip of my dogs looking rather tame because I needed it after our peaceful walk in the snowy park today was ruined by two people, walking four Pit Bulls, who quickly warned me to keep my dogs on a short leash because none of their dogs were friendly.  Hm…not even the puppy that was about 4 months old???

You know, I occasionally come across people with ONE dog that isn’t friendly, but if you have FOUR dogs, including a puppy, that you have to aggressively warn people about, then either you don’t know how to raise a dog, you need lessons on socializing your pets, or you’ve chosen to PURPOSELY have violent dogs, either because you think it’s bad ass or because you intend to place them in some vile animal boxing ring.  And considering these types of people are aggressive in their warnings, I can pretty much guess where their dogs get their mean streak from.

Oh, and one more thing. If you’re going to raise violent dogs, then keep them locked up like the wild animals you’ve made them instead of bringing them out into tranquil places where people come to relax.

So I was wondering why I couldn’t remember a thing about Beat Street,  a film that came out in the heat of the breakdancing movies in 1984. I new I had to have seen it on cable, because I saw EVERY film on cable back then. Well, I finally got a copy of this breakdancing film starring Rae Dawn Chong, and now I understand why I couldn’t remember it–it’s a DOWNER! You get none of the colorful 80s cheese of Breakin or Body Rock. Sure you get plenty of flamboyant breakdance routines, but the film lacks the hokey upbeat vibe of the other films of the decade. Now I understand why reviewers on Amazon called it a ‘real’ look at the breakdancing lifestyle. There’s no candy coating on this one. It’s pure ghetto gloom. Hell, someone even gets fried on the third rail of the train tracks! WTF? Who wants to know the real truth about urban life in the 80s??? I want all my 80s ghetto movies to look like a Lionel Richie video! “We’re goin’ to…party…Karamu…fiesta…forever…” Yeah. 80s ignorance is bliss. Avoid this one!

Any questions about Lorenzo Lamas having no career after Grease were squelched by his success in the 80s. Sure, he starred in that Falcon’s Crest show, but his career didn’t truly hit its peak until 1984, when he starred in the ultimate cracker’s breakdance movie, Body Rock!

With the first pulsing electronic beats of the slammin’ Maria Vidal title song, we are taken to the scary streets of New York City as they were in 1984. But fear not. As hot pink letters in a slashing font splash across the screen, spelling out the title of the film, the big scary apple turns to sweet cinnamon apple sauce. A line of dancers grooves across the city street, wearing bright neon colors, mesh shirts, half shirts, Flashdance off-the-shoulder shirts, and studded belts. And these are the guys!

But none of these men is as pretty as Lorenzo, his body perfectly sculpted, his buff hairy chest bursting forth from his jean vest, and his hair a perfect mirror of his Grease co-star Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” hair style, right down to the head band. He’s our leading man. He’s Chilly D.! And here I thought Pauly D. from Jersey Shore was one-of-kind. Anyway, Chilly D. is…I’m not sure. A graffiti artist I think (I forgot how cool spray paint cans were in the 80s until this movie brought the memories flooding back). Chilly hangs out with a DJ and a gang of breakdancers at a club where they sort of work together as a ‘performance’ group, graffiti on the walls, the DJ spinning, the dancers breaking, and Chilly D., I don’t know, MCing I guess. Even his DJ friend asks him later, when they’re thinking of taking their act to the professional level, “What do you do?”

So, before they can go pro, Chilly has to get breakdancing lessons from some little black kid on the street. Their dance lesson montage puts the Kevin Bacon-Chris Penn montage from Footloose to shame, because Lorenzo and his little friend are joined by a man-sized…robot??? Now I understand why there’s that “don’t forget the robot” line in Robin Sparkles 80s hit “Let’s Go to the Mall” on How I Met Your Mother!

When it’s time to perform for the talent scout, Chilly still doesn’t dance much, but he does rap! Yes, Chilly D. and his white DJ friend rap with a Jerhi curl-sporting audience that looks like it could have been Prince’s backing band the Revolution in Purple Rain. There’s even a gang of mean looking steroid-swollen black dudes who I’m convinced are Full Force. I was expecting Samantha Fox to come prancing onto the screen singing “Naughty Girls Need Love Too”.

Body Rock IS the 80s. Every guy has an earring only in his left ear. There’s a fantastic should-have-been-a-hit Laura Branigan song called “Sharpshooter” featured in a sex scene that focuses mainly on Lorenzo’s body as he strips down and the camera hovers just millimeters above his curly cues. Wow. There are groundbreaking camera angles I’ve never seen before in any of the other 80s breakdancing classics: overhead views and underfloor views of the dancers spinning out on the floor, which lends itself to a whole lot of focus on their swirling crotches. And speaking of crotches, there’s another 80s staple in this film—Meat from Porky’s! Yes, big hunky handsome Meat has a ‘small part’ as a bouncer.

But it’s really the gay aspects of the film that make it a classic of the 80s (No, I haven’t even gotten to the real gay stuff yet). First, Chilly D. eventually cuts a record and promotes it by performing it in the club with disco ball mirrors glued to his face. Lorenzo actually does the vocals, singing a song with lyrics that I’m convinced Trent Reznor plagiarized: “I’m gonna suck you like an animal, eat you like a cannibal.” And if that isn’t gay enough for you, Lorenzo eventually ends up in a gay leather bar! Yeah, this is definitely not a breakdancing movie made for the genuine hip hop culture of the time. Lorenzo is showing just as much flesh as the gay leather men, and although they are all in manly black as compared to his flaming day-glo colors, he has to assert his heterosexuality by punching out a man who kisses him. What a disgrace that Lorenzo Lamas has not been honored with a GLAAD award (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) for helping to break new ground in cinema with his man-on-man kiss. I guess he blew it with that whole gay bashing bit. But hey, it was the 80s, and that’s just what straight guys with an Olivia Newton-John “Physical” hair style, disco ball glitter on their face and Jennifer Beals’ Flashdance shirt falling off their shoulders did back then. Gotta love the gayties. I mean…eighties.

Sure, there are loads of hip hop artists in this 1985 film—Run DMC, the Fat Boys, LL Cool J, Kurtis Blow (who looks more like a cross between Michael Jackson and Prince than the pioneering hip hop artist he was), Bobby Brown (along with the whole New Edition gang). Sure, it’s based on the story of the start of the hip hop record label Def Jam. But, what truly marks this film as the beginning of the hip hop era is that it’s the FIRST film to cause riots and gang fights in the theater! If it weren’t for this film’s violent influence, 2Pac and Notorious B.I.G. wouldn’t be dead and the course of hip hop history could have changed forever!  East vs. West may never have happened! Thank the hip hop gods for Krush Groove—the film that made it very challenging for me to see movies in 1985, because my mother forbid me to go to any multiplex that was showing this film. I almost didn’t get to see A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, the gayest installment in the series, because of Krush Groove. But that doesn’t make me love it any less.

Funny thing is, if one watches Krush Groove, one will be hard pressed to figure out WHY people were stabbed, shot and who knows what else in theaters. This is one simplistic 80s film, without a complex plot. A bunch of up and coming hip hop groups try to get a record deal by performing continuously at a club, making the movie practically one long video with a storyline that’s pretty much incidental. A young Blair Underwood tries to start a record label. A young Blair Underwood wants to give a young Sheila E. more than a record deal, and eventually does to the slow groove of Force MD’s “Tender Love.” Can you believe hip hop was once about slow jams and makin’ sweet deep love instead of just tappin’ that? Heck, this film even has an extended club scene featuring a very Caucasian groove by Debbie Harry called “Feel the Spin,” co-written and produced by then mega-hot remixer Jellybean, the man partially responsible for getting Madonna a record deal (and tapping that while he was at it, although, it’s more like she was the one doing the tapping because she left him in the dust pretty fast once she became famous).

So yeah, Krush Groove really has no good reason to be the cause of the hip hop wars, but it was. It’s also another great 80s timepiece I’ve just added to my cheesy 80s movie collection. Don’t miss the funny dance done by a young and not so buff LL Cool J at the very end of the movie. Who knew that hot piece of black meat could dance 80s style???