Calling all gay horror whores!

As a gay guy who has been obsessed with horror since I was a little kid, I never searched for any correlation between the genre and the orientation. I just thought horror fans were horror fans. But because horror over the decades has been so heterosexual male-oriented, when I began writing my own horror fiction, I decided it made sense to do it from the all-male perspective while modeling it after the tried and true traits of the genre: scares and sex.

My first erotic horror collection Closet Monsters included five erotic horror stories and the novella Zombied Out, which had some sexual situations but was not erotica. I used the same formula with my second book, Horny Devils. This time, the novella, entitled Scream, Queen, was a gay slasher. It was easy to sex it up because the slasher genre lends itself to “gratuitous” sex. That was when I realized I would never write a sex-less horror novel. For me, just like humor, injections of sex into horror help to awaken the senses and totally screw with your mental state. It’s part of the ride: I’m scared. Now I’m horny. I just peed a little from laughing. I almost shit my pants from fear.

Sex in my writing is not necessarily always an “integral part of the plot.” Just like in real life (and straight horror), when the opportunity seems right, in it goes. If a given moment guarantees the characters would be having sex, I’ll be damned if I’m not going to show it. But I don’t consider my writing erotica. It’s not written solely to get readers off, so it’s not like you’re reading a sex story labeled “erotic horror” simply because the guys are having sex on Halloween night. These are actual horror stories, albeit loaded with explicit sex.

I just assumed that it was a logical fusion for gay horror fans. Imagine my surprise when some reviews expressed appreciation for the…um…meat of my stories but then made comments about the sex being a distraction. As someone who grew up at a time when sex was mandatory in horror, I’m going to guess these readers weren’t properly raised on sex and violence.

I’ve even seen the equating of the sex in my horror stories to “sexual assault.” That’s far from the same thing as doing something sexual with a man because you want to be forced into doing it with him, as is usually the case in my stories. Sexual situations involving an unwilling participant are a complete turn off for me—I’ve read that kind of erotic fiction with no enjoyment and watched it go on to win literary awards. Which means I won’t be winning any awards any time soon, because you won’t often find a Deliverance moment in my writing. And when you do, the point is absolutely not to arouse; it is to horrify. I can’t be responsible for where the mind wants to go, but isn’t it possible that what might be making readers uncomfortable is that they are left questioning whether or not a scene is supposed to be turning them on?

Perhaps it’s easier for a gay reader to assume such scenes in my books are intended to be sexual because, unlike a heterosexual male, who is most likely repulsed by the idea of butt fucking (as depicted in Deliverance), gay men generally expect it to be a positive experience. Look at it from the reverse perspective. A gay man watching I Spit on Your Grave is not likely to see the rape scene as sexual at all, but the protective anonymity of internet message boards shows time and again that there are heterosexual men who do find it stimulating. Does that mean they are sick individuals, or does it mean that horror is succeeding in making them uncomfortable about the darkness within themselves? Maybe that’s why the sex in my books unnerves gay readers; it makes them contemplate what they never had to when female T&A was being splashed needlessly across the screen through twelve Jason movies.

Either way, whether sex is in place to arouse or to disturb, of all people to express distaste in its presence, I never imagined it would be gay men. Could it be true? Straight male horror fans are more in touch with their sexual selves than gay horror fans? Was I going about writing gay horror all wrong?

Thankfully, for every comment about the supposed unnecessary sex, there is appreciation of it. It was nice to have someone tell me that my story “Woof!” proved to be the first time werewolves made him hot. I often get nods for writing horror stories that feature piggish, hairy, burly bears instead of vanilla, smooth, pretty boys. Not all gay men want sex in their horror, but there are definitely those who aren’t complaining. Still, it’s hard to find the community of gay sex and horror lovers. General horror message boards aren’t bringing them out of the closet. I began to wonder just how niche the market was for my writing.

Then a friend turned me on to a Greenwich Village bear bar called Rockbar NYC, where a couple of horror-loving gay guys hold a horror trivia night every month. Before I know it, I’m co-hosting the trivia night and doing a reading/signing of my books. I had a blast. Here was a bar full of gay men who could answer the question: How many people did Cujo kill? That night, my books were bought and given away as prizes. But did that mean gay horror lovers would actually like them? I didn’t know.

With the release of Combustion, I returned to Rockbar NYC and something wonderful happened. What was clearly a regular crowd at horror trivia night remembered me as much as I remembered them. And they had actually delved into my books. I witnessed one friend tell a couple that when he read my novella Zombied Out, he pictured them as the bear couple in the book. Another reader told me that whenever anyone peruses his bookshelves, their eyes are drawn immediately to my books.

Yet another horror fan told me that he won my book in the trivia contest the first time I was there, loved it, and read it out loud to his adora-bear hubby. He specifically referenced my story “Monstrosity” about a man suffering from a case of “gargantuanism.” He said the ending was horrific—but readily admitted that he also thought it was so hot he took care of business to it more than once. Good news for him. That huge man will be making a comeback in the novels yet to come in the series that begins with Combustion.

And there it was. Evidence that my kind of gay erotic horror fan is out there. I’d been in contact with one occasionally over the internet. But to be in a bar full of them was not only an honor…it was hot as hell.

And things have just gotten better since then. I was inspired to create a Facebook page called Boys, Bears & Scares, dedicated to everything gay horror, from movies and books, to art and graphic novels. Doing so has connected me to lovers of gay horror, from the men who create it to fans who devour it. It’s a place where gay horror fans can find an exhaustive and ever-growing list of what’s out there.

Gay horror is hard to find. It is often targeted at the “erotica” market rather than the horror market, which does it a great disservice. There’s a good chance when an erotica reader sees a hot guy on the cover of a gay horror book, he’s in for something he didn’t bargain for: gratuitous horror along with the sex. When the cover also successfully captures the horror elements, the erotica reader may be repelled by the horror, but the horror fan—the true market for the genre—will be intrigued. And unless he’s one of those horror readers who find that sex gets in the way of the story and wasn’t tipped off about its inclusion in the book by the half-naked guy on the cover, he’ll be right at home with every gory gay, horny homo detail.

Posted in Everyday I Read the Book: Literary Thoughts, In My Write Mind: News About My Writings, Johnny You ARE Queer - Gay Thoughts, Movie Times & Television Schedules - Staying Entertained, Tell You What's On My Mind (Pure Energy), The Dan Zone Files - Just the Facts, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Is that dry oatmeal on your face or are you a Shock Waves zombie?

shock-waves

I have to admit, I have a soft spot for 1970s zombies with makeup that looks like it was scooped out of a garbage disposal and slapped on actors’ faces. The 1977 zombie film Shock Waves totally fits the bill, plus the zombies wear cool dark sunglasses and walk on the ocean floor. Really, what draws you to Shock Waves is the eerie visual experience of the underwater shots of these zombies and the pulsing musical score when they rise up from the surf and walk out of the water. CREEPY!

That’s really the guts of the horror because there are no guts. Meaning, no flesh eating! No gore. The ghoulish zombies are the whole shebang. The plot is simple. The zombies are awakened after the sky turns yellow. Hey! That happens in the novella Zombied Out in my book Closet Monsters. Anyway, A group on a yacht gets stranded on a jungle island. This old crazy dude has created an army of Nazi zombies. Do not be fooled by Nazi zombie imitators like Dead Snow and Outpost! But definitely watch them, too. Especially the Outpost sequel Outpost: Black Rain for that damn cackling Nazi zombie witch.

As is usually the case with films from the 1970s, Shock Waves is a slow burner loaded with atmosphere. It has a cool cast, including Peter Cushing (same year he did Star Wars!), John Carradine (same year he did The Sentinel and looking just as creepy even though he’s not one of the zombies), Brooke Adams (who did the Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake a year later), and Luke Halpin from the 60s series Flipper, who had a sexy 70s pornstache by the time he swam with the zombies instead of dolphins.

It’s a close race, but I think the water-resistant zombies are slightly more of a reason to watch Shock Waves than the pornstache.

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Before there was Cold Prey, there was…Shredder!

shredder

A killer in a ski mask? Horny kids? Count me in!

Every time I catch the 2003 slasher Shredder, I expect it to be as bad as the laundry list of next generation slashers that bombarded us for a decade after Scream was released. But then I watch it and I’m sort of really entertained.

Everything you’d expect from a color by bloody red numbers slasher is here: obnoxious gang of friends going to an isolated location to party; weird locals who warn them to stay away; red herrings galore; a killer in a mask; a “backstory” about a previous tragedy; the ever-important creepy room full of doll parts and newspaper clippings; self-awareness of the rules of a slasher that are then totally ignored by the victims.

So why WOULDN’T Shredder be good? Sure, after one really gruesome kill, we are treated to 39 minutes of these kids just hanging around, as well as snowboarding montages set to a pop-punk track, but in a weird way, you feel like you’re along for the party, hanging out in this abandoned ski resort with them. It’s kind of fun.

And then the killings begin and the bodies start popping up. And it’s mostly all snow-related goodness: icicle, snowman, ski lift, ski pole, snow plow. The kills make the movie cheesy entertaining even though some of the editing leaves you wondering “when did that happen” or “how did that person get there so fast”?

Plus, we get a male virgin, a drinking game involving very hot stripping; T&A and man A (and it’s so nice and meaty you just want to slap on some BBQ sauce and take a bite!); and a character who leaves all the boys wondering—is she a lesbian? Bi? Especially since she seem more interested in men than her girly bedmate! I think that’s what I like most about Shredder. It’s sexy!!!

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It’s no Shocker that I completely blacked out Wes Craven’s Shocker

shocker

Being a huge fan of A Nightmare on Elm Street from the moment it hit VHS, I was most definitely a Freddy fan rather than a Wes Craven devotee. I never worshipped any movies just because they were made by Craven. And for over 2 decades, I couldn’t even remember Shocker beyond it being an electric chair killer movie.

Upon rewatching the movie, there are several notable aspects. It’s a product of the 80s, which automatically gives it some likeability in my book (or rather, on my blog). There’s a wickedly gruesome face-eating scene that looks so real it made my lip hurt. And there’s an eerily prophetic pedophile priest reference that reminds us what a disgrace it is that nothing was done about this fairly transparent epidemic generations ago.

There’s also an awesome hard rock soundtrack featuring tracks by songwriter Desmond Child (gay dude—no shocker that he wrote tunes for Cher’s amazing pop rock albums in the 80s). Plus, Megadeth covers Alice Cooper’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy,” Alice Cooper does a rap on one song (and has a “cameo” in the movie), and there are songs by the completely ignored 80s bands Dangerous Toys and Saraya, plus a track by Iggy Pop. There’s also the awesome “super group” title song featuring contributions by the likes of Jean Beauvoir (Plasmatics), Paul Stanley (Kiss), and Tommy Lee (Motley Crue).

Most importantly though—the brutish bald killer is fricking HOT. He has a name, but I like to just call him Shocker.

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Man is this movie bad! It’s in no way a scary horror film. I know it’s trying to have a sense of humor, and at times it does, but at other times, I think it really means to be serious. Me and my hubby were still laughing out loud.

Amazingly, Shocker seems to be the inspiration for the body-jumping scenario in Jason Goes to Hell. See, Shocker actually enters people’s bodies to use them as his puppets (lucky people). The 1992 John Ritter classic Stay Tuned also appears to be inspired by Shocker, because the lead character chases Shocker through TV land and controls him with a television remote. I’m not kidding. Really. I’m not.

Shocker is a chaotic mess. It starts out feeling like a typical slasher. Then it has a Freddy-esque dream section. Then there are ghosts. And finally, Shocker finger fucks an electric socket and the movie becomes Pulse. The movie is also like one long chase scene! Our poor lead kid is relentlessly pursued by Shocker. He also falls for it EVERY time Shocker is in someone’s body and suddenly says in that somebody’s voice, “It’s me. He’s not in me anymore. I’m okay.” All I kept thinking was, why doesn’t Shocker just jump into this dumb kid and be done with it! Instead, Shocker hops into a satellite dish to go national (he literally says, “I’m going national!” before he hops into the satellite dish).

I won’t deny it. Shocker is ridiculous in an entertaining way. You also get an appearance by Ted Raimi as a character named Pac Man and a pre-piano man John Tesh as a newscaster. Plus, Heather Langenkamp is listed in the cast as “victim,” but good luck spotting her. It’s like trying to find Waldo. I never found her. If you do, contact me and tell me where she is! If she’s a corpse hidden under a sheet, I’ll be pissed.

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What’s Beyond the Door isn’t Beyond the Door

Okay. So this is a case where the Italian movie industry decided to cash in on a successful horror movie by giving two completely unrelated films the sequel title treatment and creating a “franchise.” I don’t care that Shock and Amok Train are NOT actually sequels to Beyond the Door. For the sake of this blog, I fully intend to treat them as a splendid bogus trilogy.

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BEYOND THE DOOR (1974)

Often trashed because it’s an Exorcist rip-off, this one should be applauded for ripping it off better than any of the dozens of possession movies that have come out in the past decade. Beyond the Door has genuine creepy and disturbing scenes. The trailer for this movie fucked me up when I was five-years-old! Yeah. I’m talking about the vertical levitation scene.

Beyond the Door is really The Exorcist meets Rosemary’s Baby. Okay, some parts suck. The devil’s narration that opens the film is kind of laughable. And the dialogue of the children is also laughable, but mostly because of the dubbed voices…I think.

Our vulgar demonized be-otch this time is Juliet Mills, best known for 3 things: playing the nanny in The Nanny and the Professor, playing the witch in the cheesy supernatural soap opera Passions, and playing the cougar to Maxwell Caulfield before it was trendy.

The plot is simple; the devil wants her unborn baby. The dream-like opening is pretty scandalous. A naked woman is symbolically crucified and her face turns into the face of Jesus, making him a sort of she-male. After that, Beyond the Door succeeds wonderfully in capturing the grit and eeriness of the bedroom scenes in The Exorcist. There are even possessed toys. But Juliet’s shenanigans are what really mess with your head. These are motion visuals that won’t soon leave your traumatized mind.

Seriously, if you get off on the demonic moments of The Exorcist, you really must let Beyond the Door possess your soul. And keep an ear out for the pea soup in-joke. At least, I think it’s an in-joke.

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BEYOND THE DOOR II (1977)

Shock, directed by Italian horror master Mario Bava, gets the distinction of being marketed as Beyond the Door II. In a way, the title works perfectly. Instead of the mom being possessed, this time, it appears her son has a demon in him. This kid is super creepy and his mother seems to be going mad. Is there a ghost? Is her son possessed? Is she possessed???

From beginning to end, this is classic Italian horror in style, atmosphere, and eeriness. It’s seriously like a mind trip as disturbing segments bombard us, like a demon hand that keeps popping up, a floating razor blade, and a metamorphosis of a boy into his father. This freaky movie is hindered by one aspect—the abundance of sexual interest of the little boy in his mother. It’s really gross, from the boy pinning his mother to the ground and essentially dry humping her, to him lurking around her bedroom and bathroom and stealing her underwear. WTF? The fact that you finally “get it” when the truth is revealed doesn’t make up for having to endure very uncomfortable scenes between a very young actor and an adult woman. Ew…fricking…ew!

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BEYOND THE DOOR III (1989)

It took them over a decade to come up with a movie that they decided fit the Beyond the Door bill. And the movie they came up with? Amok Train. AMOK TRAIN. Seems like the title says it all, huh?

A bunch of students go on a train trip, there’s some evil professor, satanic rituals, the need for a virgin, a lead girl (and hence, a virgin)…and then the movie tailspins into utter chaos and confusion. Basically, it’s a movie about a killer train. Awesome. Super gore and a gaggle of witches are the main reasons to watch this one.

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What a perfect sunny, warm spring day it was to get married…finally!

After 20 years, my partner and I are now husband and husband. Please keep me posted when all your children have been fully converted so I know our dastardly plan is working and the end of the world is near.

In the meantime, I am going to go about my life as I always have, but with one major difference that affects no one else: a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, at last giving me some peace of mind. Okay, so I don’t yet have all the protections and securities of being legally bound to the person with whom I will spend the rest of my life because it’s not federally recognized. Which means, when one of us passes, the other is going to get slapped with an estate tax. Unfortunately for my husband, the only thing he would inherit from me is my debt. And right now, we can’t file joint tax returns, which could mean either a higher or lower tax return for us.

Money is the least of my worries. I would rather the government take more of my money if that’s the cost to allow adults across the country to all be treated as equals instead of judging our human worth based on region (and, let’s face it…religion). I couldn’t wait for this day. As soon as we were legally allowed to marry (thanks Governor Cuomo!), we decided we would wait until the day of our 20 year anniversary. This immediately left me panicking that certain individuals—or groups—were going to swoop in before this date could arrive and declare that I did not deserve the same freedom to be happy (or miserable, depending on who you talk to) that they do and take my right away from me. It wouldn’t be the first time.

But what has burdened me and been the most anxiety-inducing every day of my life for the two decades we’ve been together is the threats to the very essence of our relationship—our ability to fully care for and be there for each other under the worst of circumstances for as long as we both shall live. One of my biggest fears concerned what would happen if one of us were in the hospital. I imagined (was anticipating) the day when one of us was refused admittance to the hospital to be by the other’s side because we are not “related.” I pictured the sick partner lying terrified in a hospital bed waiting for comfort from the one man in the world to whom he entrusted his life. This fear only escalated when we bought our home and discovered that the servicing hospital in our area, used by all our doctors, is a Catholic-based institution. It saddens me that I am forced to consider as my enemy those who claim to practice compassion and believe in the goodness of God—but more often assume the role of God.

Along with thoughts of hospitals comes the crucial comfort of health insurance. So much of the tricky navigating of our partnership has been tripped up by our inability to be covered under each other’s insurance. We’ve never had the flexibility of leaving or losing a job without the further downside of forfeiting all medical benefits or paying more for them. The mere threat of astronomical medical bills because we can’t temporarily jump on the other’s health plan has kept us locked into miserable work situations several times—which in turn leads to emotional and physical stresses that impact our health, leading to…astronomical medical bills.

I also dreaded the day when it might be decided that one or both of us needed to go into a nursing home and the possibility that our bond would be dismissed and we would be torn away from each other for what remained of our lives, never to see each other again. And when one of us passes, I imagined the toll it would take on the grieving partner who remained behind. We have loving, supportive people in our lives, but materialism can bring out the worst in people, as does a system that puts us at a clear disadvantage under the law. Without any automatic legal rights to worldly possessions, the safe home we’ve built together could so easily be broken down by those who want a piece of the pie. Our shared existence could be pulled apart, leaving empty corners, vacant rooms, and blank walls as a further reminder of the surviving partner’s great loss. It could drag him out of our home or into the courts, pitting him against those he considered family, simply because they’ve had their eye on a certain treasured item of ours and decide it is rightfully theirs—even if the possession in question has been in the surviving partner’s family for generations, where he’d like to keep it so he can continue the tradition of passing it down to his nephews and nieces (which we previously had to speak of as our rhetorical nephews and nieces—absurd).

Amazingly, as we were planning to get married, my husband for the first time ever expressed these very same worries to me. He admitted feeling relieved that we would never have to learn any awful truths about family we believed with all our hearts would always be there for us and honor the worth of our partnership.

It’s sad really. It’s sad that these thoughts come into our minds every day of our lives, no matter how happy we are. It’s sad that this is the kind of stuff grown adults planning for their later years have to worry about as they get older, on top of all of life’s other challenges, which make just existing hard enough as it is. It’s sad people could be so sinfully self-righteous as to support and push for this kind of treatment of fellow human beings.

I know. I know. It can be argued that this is all self-centered thinking that doesn’t consider what is best for society as a whole, which is obviously the only way I can think because I don’t care about the future. After all, I’m not leaving anything to the world—no children to continue the human race, no legacy—so why should I care about what happens once I’m gone? I’m just like all the non-contributing members of the heterosexual community who selfishly choose never to have children or just aren’t able to (That’s their problem. They’re still lesser humans because they can’t propagate—kind of like a barren cow on the farm). All we’ve ever done for society is join its work force, invest in its economy, pay taxes to beautify cities and pay for the education of children, and bring up our neighbors’ home values. Slackers.

Shockingly, despite all that, I do care about the future. I don’t pretend that global warming isn’t going to annihilate this planet—but I guess that’s because I’m not invested in money makers like oil. And I do care about the blatantly obvious truth that the institution of marriage is the sign of the apocalypse. First we made the mistake of permitting marriage between a man and a woman, which just opened a Pandora’s box. Next thing you know, we’re allowing men to marry men and women to marry women. It has to stop before it’s too late. So consider me on board for the proposition that bans marriage between humans and animals. At this point, if we want to keep the Defense of Marriage Act in place before things get even more out of hand and we all face the wrath of God for allowing it, the most logical thing to do is reword DOMA to: Marriage is just between two consenting adult humans…who aren’t blood related. Because you know that shit has been going on forever and nobody has made any effort to stop that.

But seriously, I do want to thank all those friends and family who have vocalized their support for the quality of my love and my life and understand its importance. It is deeply appreciated. And don’t be insulted that you weren’t invited to the wedding, because there wasn’t a wedding. Something that extravagant and excessive would just be making a mockery of one of the gayest traditions ever: flowers; frilly dresses; lovey dovey hearts (and love doves); sappy ballads; dancing; fringe, lace, and veils. So not my scene. I’m way too much of a man for such feminine indulgence.

And for those who are terrified that all children going forward will choose to get gay married because it’s so much more enticing than heterosexual marriage, I leave you with this comforting truth; I spent 44 years of my life witnessing nothing but men marrying women, and not once did I ever consider doing it myself.

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Death Valley: He’ll shoot your eye out!

death-valley

In 1982, a year before A Christmas Story was released, our beloved Ralphie starred in a 1980s slasher—as “the final girl.” Yep. Death Valley is a road trip slasher flick in which the killer is predominantly stalking a little boy. See, Ralphie goes away with his mother (Chucky’s mom from the first Child’s Play) and her new boyfriend (the main man from Strange Invaders).

Amazingly, the killer drives around in what looks like a gold version of Christine. As in movies like The Hitcher and Road Games, he randomly kills people driving down the endless desolate roads in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately, little Ralphie almost stumbles upon a gruesome murder scene and, even though he DOESN’T, the killer still decides he needs to die.

Death Valley has some very traditional early 80s slasher kills, nice big boobs, bright red blood, perfect camera angles, and awesome slasher musical cues. Plus, Ralphie is constantly in some sort of stalk/chase scene. And seriously, the killer does try to shoot his eye out!

One of the most entertaining moments involves a creepy looking, obese babysitter. She becomes obsessed with a Twinkie; it’s like she knew they would become extinct in 30 years. In what almost seems like an in-joke in hindsight, she says, “I’ll be right back. I hate the scary part.” And the killer lures her with the promise of a free soda. It’s like this insulting idea that fat people will choose sugar over death. Okay, I’ll admit, if it was an RC Cherry, I’d probably go for it too.

As the film comes to a conclusion, any 80s slasher charm just falls apart. In a very bizarre scene, the killer seems to disassemble a car piece by piece, because he hurls endless parts through windows. He dances on the roof of a house. And he somehow gets tricked by a reflection in a mirror—a mirror in his OWN HOUSE. You’d think he’d know that he was looking at a reflection. On top of that, the “combat” acting is just terrible. But the good news is, Ralphie does get to shoot a gun in this film, even if it isn’t a Red Ryder BB Gun.

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80s flix that need to come to DVD or Blu-Ray before download-only takes over the world!!!

Between working at a video store in the 80s that was in business from day one of the VHS era and having cable, I pretty much saw every 80s movie that ever existed. And just like my music collection, my goal is to own everything I loved from the 80s so I can be buried with it all. The scary thing is, before every movie could even be brought over to the DVD format, the formats switched to Blu-ray! And let’s face it. It’s only a matter of time before those don’t even exist and everything will be floating in the cloud. Not good enough for me. I need it in my physical collection.

Amazingly, movies that never even made it to DVD are actually getting Blu-ray releases! That’s a good sign. Maybe there’s hope for my “waiting list” to hit Blu-ray, including a bunch of movies that only made it to bogus, money grabbing “DVD-R” archive releases from Warner and MGM, as well as bad “50 classics” type DVD compilations sourced from bad VHS transfers.

First let’s look at my want list of 80s movies that have never been on DVD or are out of print and why I want them:

Blood Beach (1980) – All I remember about this film is the VHS case of the chick getting sucked into the sand and that it was released at a time when Jaws paranoia ran rampant.

Electric Dreams (1984) – War Games, the musical. Plus it has one of the best soundtracks of the decade!

Hide & Go Shriek (1988) – The first “gay” slasher. Hopefully someday it will be on DVD so you can see why I call it that.

The Horror Show (1989) – Also known occasionally as House 3 because, well, why not? This one got overshadowed by Wes Cravens’ Shocker.

Hospital Massacre (1982) – It came out in the 80s and it’s a slasher. That’s all.

House IV (1992) – Okay, so it was no longer the 80s, but William Katt returned. The fact that it had 4 after its title confused me and the customers at the video store. We didn’t have the Internet back then, so we had no way of knowing The Horror Show was House 3.

Rawhead Rex (1986) – One of the great rubber monster bloody gore fest sci-fi horror films of the 80s, now out of print and fetching a gazillion dollars on the used market. Plus, Clive Barker hates this adaptation of his writing.

Slaughterhouse Rock (1988) – This one is simple. It stars fricking Toni Basil and she performs a song she recorded with Devo. Nothing else in life matters after that.

T.A.G. – The Assassination Game (1982) – This is one of those heavy-rotation cable movies that has simply vanished. Linda Hamilton before Terminator. I’d rather watch T.A.G.

The Unnamable (1988) – Because the creature is awesome, but mostly because they released the SEQUEL on DVD.

 

And here is a list of movies that need a REAL quality DVD release or Blu-ray release:

 

Curtains (1983) – This is the slasher with the old lady mask that scarred for life pretty much everyone who saw it back then.

Dead Dudes in the House (1989) – Best zombie/demon movie EVER.

Killer Party (1986) – 80s perfection.

My Demon Lover (1986) – Stars Mallory’s dumb boyfriend Nick.

New Year’s Evil (1980) – A slasher with Pinky Tuscadero and a “new wave” holiday party.

Night School (1981) – An unapologetic slasher cash-in.

A Return to Salem’s Lot (1987) – Because it’s an absolute blasphemous sequel and because it stars Michael Moriarity.

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Before Wes Craven’s Shocker there was…PRISON

prison

Amazingly, this is one 80s horror film I didn’t see in the 80s. It was filmed in 1986 but not released until 1988…and also never showed up on VHS in the video store at which I worked at the time, which is shocking because we carried like EVERY horror movie.

Prison is an odd film that I could not help but really like. It’s almost more of a prison movie than a horror movie, the bright side being, lots of rough man action! There’s even plenty of tighty-whities! Only one bear and his cell bitch are specifically identified as such, but I’ll take it! Also, there is only one female character in the entire film and her presence is virtually pointless—she doesn’t even get naked!

The premise is pretty typical for a prison horror film. Dude is executed and years later his spirit comes back for revenge. The prison in which he was executed has been reopened and a load of new inmates is brought in. Naturally, the angry spirit is unleashed, which leads to some of the most visually stunning and unique deaths I’ve ever seen in an 80s horror film. It is really worth watching Prison just for the awesomely orchestrated body count.

The film is essentially gritty and raw, but every once in a while, there is what I think are unintended funny moments based simply on the way the lines are delivered by the actors (which isn’t a bad thing. It just makes it all the more better of an 80s horror film). And the spirit is just that—a spirit. There is really no “monster” to be seen until the very end of the movie. Like no joke. The VERY end. Then you finally see the spirit’s corpse in a rather bizarre conclusion.

The ultimate motive for the spirit’s revenge is not revealed until right near the end of the movie. It doesn’t come as much of a surprise and it’s kind of irrelevant because the spirit is pretty indiscriminate about who it kills anyway. There’s also one odd “plot hole,” if you could call it that, which could have made the backstory a bit more intriguing if it had been expanded upon; in one seemingly purposeful scene, we get to see that the man who was executed looks identical to the lead actor in the film. But that aspect is completely dead in the water as soon as it’s presented.

Don’t watch Prison for the story, its 80s cred, or the tighty-whities. Watch it for the artfully crafted kills!

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When The Car collides with Road Games, you get Creep Van!

creep-van

It feels like the 1977 killer car movie The Car was the inspiration for Creep Van, which is a total homage to the 1970s, from the music references and “pulp” feel of the picture quality to the concept of a van being a “bad guy” vehicle. Awesome. Creep Van even borrows a classic moment from The Car involving the vehicle and an entire house.

As b-movies go, Creep Van starts off really strong. Star Brian Kolodziej is hot, hunky, and a goofball all in one. Yum. He was also in Flight of the Living Dead, one of my all-time favorite zombie flicks.

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Younger – model shot. Cute.

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More mature – beefier -butcher -rockin’ the Jensen Ackles look. Hotter.

But this blog isn’t about Brian Kolodziej. Although, it should be (the more mature, beefier, butcher Brian). But anyway. Back to Creep Van. There’s blood and boobs. The kills are gruesome for a while. Plus, there’s some cheesy, adolescent S&M sexual content/humor.

The premise of one dude being pursued by a creep in a van definitely reminds me of the classic Stacey Keach/Jamie Lee Curtis slasher Road Games. It also reminds me of a porn I made up in my head starring me and Brian Kolodziej (the more mature, beefier, butcher Brian). Plus, there’s a cameo by Mr. Troma himself, Lloyd Kaufman, and a mock “Ted Nugent” character who actually has some redeemable qualities…and good teeth.

But then the film’s plot comes to a screeching halt and you realize the only thing that kept it going was the barrage of kills. The last few minutes salvage Creep Van with more gory kills. It could have been salvaged even more with a scene featuring Brian Kolodziej shirtless (the more mature, beefier, butcher Brian).

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