Just when you thought it wasn’t safe to go in the woods…

Posted on January 11, 2012 by Daniel

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If you love backwoods horror like Texas Chainsaw, Wrong Turn, Monster Man, 2000 Maniacs, then you will fully appreciate Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, a horror comedy satire that is absolutely in no way a horror film. But it is LOADED with gore and some of the best mockery of the genre and just how unoriginal it has become.

See, a group of teens heading into the woods to party runs into two hillbillies (Tucker and Dale) and quickly convince themselves that they are being stalked and gruesomely picked off by the rednecks—when they are actually each killing themselves through a series of accidents!

Tucker is recognizable as Jeremy Sisto’s best friend in the sitcom Suburgatory, while Dale is best known for his roles in numerous failed television shows like Invasion, Reaper, and Mad Love. Together, they’re a simple-minded unshowered pair who are just misunderstood by snobby, educated, elitist suburban kids.

This film has it all—obnoxious teens, skinny dipping (but no nudity!), a rundown house in the woods, ominous newspaper clippings, creepy hicks at a gas station, campfire stories, chainsaws, axes, band saws, a naïve local sheriff, and one of the best flashbacks ever to what happened 20 years ago—a group of kids partying in the woods get slaughtered to the beats of “Pump Up the Jam.” That’s right kiddies. It’s been 20 years, and what was once a cutting edge track is now nothing more than an oldie but goodie that can be used in the prologue of a modern horror film. Feeling old???

That’s the only thing I want to give away about this film. It would simply be ruining it to dwell on any particulars, but if backwoods horror is your thing and you can laugh at what a loser you are for watching tons of it, then you will love this film. The other important thing to note about the film is that it is loaded with kids who have been in tons of hot horror messes, from TV shows like Supernatural and Fringe, to SyFy crap like Yeti: Curse of the Snow Demon, and even major motion picture classics like Final Destination 3…..

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Check your boobs at the door (where they’ll definitely get eaten)

Posted on January 11, 2012 by Daniel

Strippers! Prostitutes! Burlesque dancers! Zombies! If you go into any of the 3 movies I’m about to discuss with ANY expectation other than boobs and blood, then a) you’ll be sorely disappointed, and b) you have no taste in movies.

While all three films have their merits, there definitely is a hierarchy of which is the master and which are its bitches. Let’s just say if there was an AVN award for best zombie stripper movie ever, the award would go to, well, Zombie Strippers! You can’t be all that surprised. I mean, it stars porn powerhouse Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund in one of his best roles EVER.

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There’s this virus that the government is working on to make “super soldiers” out of the dead under the Bush administration (George W., not pubes). Yeah, so if you worship boobs, blood, AND dick heads, you not only have a serious conflict of interests, but you also might be offended by this brilliant piece of liberal agenda trash. To test out the super soldiers, they are pitted against living soldiers, one of the living is bit—and knows his fate is to be killed before he turns. So he escapes….and ends up in a strip club!

No time is wasted. Jenna is on a pole, her boobs are out, and so is her beaver. And her real-life cutie gorilla juice head boyfriend Tito is the bouncer. Robert Englund is a germ-a-phobic sleazoid who owns the club. Girls dance and get naked, repeatedly. Lots of strippers means lots of cute guys in the strip club! Fun for everyone.

Finally, the infected army soldier bites Jenna and she turns into a pretty damn creepy sex slut zombie. She reminds me of Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body.

Freddy…I mean, Robert Englund…soon discovers that the male patrons are TOTALLY turned on by seductive zombie strippers who bring them in the back room for lap dances…at which point the strippers literally eat off their laps.

The living strippers become jealous of the tips the zombie strippers are getting, so many of them begin opting to get bitten. Soon, the number of male patron bodies are piling up—in the basement where Robert Englund is stashing them. But these horny hungry male zombies won’t be contained.

All hell breaks loose. There’s phenomenal gore, zombie lesbian stripper action, zombie stripper orgies, zombie va-jay-jays shooting ping pong balls…this movie rox. The only downside is the arrival of the army at the end, which actually ruins the flow of the film and makes the last 20 minutes or so drag. Although, some of the army soldiers are HOT, especially the baldy with the goatee.

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By total coincidence, in 2008, the same year Zombie Strippers became a cultural phenomena, ANOTHER film was released called Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! – Strippers vs. Zombies. But this one is completely unique. See, this time, It’s the strippers fighting off the zombies…who are predominantly strippers….and prostitutes.

Interestingly enough, in the ‘prologue’ of the film, scream queen Tiffany Shepis is attacked by a hoard of what are being called zombie ‘super soldiers.’ And despite her top billing, this is the ONLY scene Tiffany is in. WTF? When is Tiffany going to get the true horror film lead role she deserves?

So anyway, Tiffany was just in a TV movie some little kid was watching. In the real world, there’s this doctor working on cancer cures. Some slimy maintenance guy comes into his lab and mixes up a concoction that he thinks is going to be an awesome recreational drug. Instead, it turns people into zombies—at the local strip club.

The film really should have been called “Strippers vs. Prostitutes vs. Zombies.” A bunch of strippers, prostitutes, bouncers, pimps, and the adorable leading man Chris hole up in the strip club fending off zombies. While the film is only an hour and 20 minutes long, they should have cut about 20 minutes. The film gets a bit bogged down by plot, dialogue, and romance. There are plenty of jokes, some very funny, many which fall flat.

There is some great gore in this one, more lap dancing and crotch munching, an homage to Snakes on a Plane, big nipple ringed zombie boobs, an awesome first in which the zombies don’t bother banging on windows or doors but instead smash right through a wall, and an incredibly original ending that presents a whole new way to blow the heads off all these undead be-otches—without using a shotgun.

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Zombie burlesque dancers! No, I’m not talking about Cher and Christina Aguilera. This is 2009’s Zombie Women of Satan. There’s no satan, but there’s plenty of boobs and blood. This is the U.K.’s take on zombie strippers. This time around, there’s just some crazy old dude living in the country and making women into zombies.

Along comes a traveling band of freaks led by the hot-bodied Pervo the Clown. He’s got a sidekick with whom he constantly spars, usually with derogatory gay insults—until he eventually dry humps his sidekick. There’s a leather daddy little person, and there are plenty of burlesque dancers exposing their tits.

Have the absolute lowest expectations for this film and you might enjoy it. Come on. It’s got boobs and blood. TONS. Pervo the Clown wears tasseled pasties on his nipples. A little person punches a zombie bitch in the va-jay-jay. There’s little person shitting in the woods humor (which goes on forEVER). There’s fart humor. Zombie tits get tweaked. There’s even a zombie in a wheelchair. And there’s a grand finale involving a chainsaw and a big ‘Oops.’

Don’t hesitate. Have a zombie T&A marathon immediately. Watch this film first, save Zombie Strippers for last. And if you get a hard-on even once, you’re a nasty necrophiliac freak.

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Check your brain at the door (where it will probably get eaten)

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Daniel

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Way back in 1985, just after George Romero’s official third film in the ‘of the dead’ series hit theaters, the campy horror Return of the Living Dead, an unofficial continuation, was released, and did something Day of the Dead didn’t. It introduced us to BRAINS! Plus, we found a cult zombie hero in Tarman, Linnea Quigley ran around as a naked punk, and zombies crawled out of the grave, something they hadn’t done in the Romero series up to that point. Plus, the rockin’ sountrack was loaded with thrash metal, punk, and an awesome synthpop horror tune by awesome early 80s new wave band SSQ—whose lead singer would soon break out as ‘solo’ artist Stacey Q! “I-I-I-I-I-I-need-I-need brains…”

Stacey Q is just the top of 80s iceberg in this film. We got punks and new wavers. We got a lone black dude with Jheri curls that put Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam with Full Force to shame. We got boomboxes and walkmans. We got the dad from A Nightmare on Elm Street 2. We got the guy who took over the role of Tommy Jarvis in Friday the 13th Part 6. We got the Pathmark guy!

Hugely popular for being a campy horror comedy when released, the film to me now feels heavier on the camp side rather than laugh-out-loud funny. The cast totally rox the camp though, especially the Pathmark guy and his hick boy toy. The film’s dark humor and corpse action also feels incredibly similar to that in Re-Animator, which was released shortly after. Tarman totally steals the show, as does any zombie that groans “Brains!!!” It never gets old. The gore is delicious and the scene with the zombies rising from the grave almost surpasses that in the Thriller video. Almost. Heh heh.

Return of the Living Dead makes no secret about being an unofficial continuation of Night of the Living Dead. The culprit in this film is not zombie bites, it’s both the release of gas from a government experiment and the burning of zombie bodies, which causes fumes to rise into the atmosphere and create the toxic rain that brings the dead to life. Thankfully, the fun is not ruined by the arrival of the army until the very end. And the film ends like every Resident Evil video game—the infected zone needs to be blown up.

And BTW, before I move on to part 2, might I note that if you’ve been crediting 28 Days Later for the introduction of running zombies or infected or whatever, you need to watch older zombie films like this.

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Return of the Living Dead Part II has a few things going for it. First, it was also made in the 80s. Second, one chick actually says “No duh!” Third, Tarman is back. Fourth, the Pathmark man and his hick boy toy are back—playing the same kind of comic duo, but as totally different characters. It’s totally forgiven because they make sure to reference it in the dialogue.

Unfortunately, other than that, this sequel sux. One of the main characters is a young kid, and quite frankly, you’re better off watching the far superior The Monster Squad if you want kid horror. There’s also a teen flick vibe thanks to the kid’s sister and the cute cable guy she hooks up with. Night of the Living Dead is openly referenced again, but the overall zombie vibe is weak (the same exact zombies appear again and again!).  The film tries for all out slapstick comedy and ends up as this shrill and tedious exercise in characters screaming into each other’s faces ad nauseum. Plus, there’s way too much army involvement, which is the number one way to RUIN a horror movie for me.

While there’s some yummy gore, this lame flick is mostly PG-13 horror. Since the movie is so bad, I’ll give props to them throwing in a full-fledged Michael Jackson “Thriller” zombie for laughs (and as an homage, since this series TOTALLY stole the zombie grave rising from MJ’s video). The final speaking zombie definitely gets the last laugh with her one-liner. Oh, and the DVD version uses TWO Robert Palmer songs, “Looking for Clues” and “Bad Case of Loving You,” neither of which was in the original U.S. cut of the film. Personally, I think they’re one of the few things to look forward to when watching part 2.

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Return of the Living Dead 3 immediately goes down hill because it was released in 1993, when horror was trying SO hard not to be like 80s horror—which means it almost immediately FAILS in being good. Gone is any attempt at camp and humor. Plus, the film does two of the worst things you can do in a horror film—it has full army involvement AND it tries to humanize one specific zombie. RUINED. Why even watch?

If you do watch, this is what you get. Boy’s dad works in secret military facility experimenting with reanimation of corpses (the series still references Night of the Living Dead). Boy has freaky goth bitch girlfriend. They get into motorcycle accident. Girl dies. Boy brings her back to ‘life’ at army facility, kicking off an incredibly annoying, drawn out zombie/human love story that features barely any zombies until the end. Even so, the gore is great and the eventual zombie action is pretty good. But then the freaky goth bitch zombie girlfriend transforms herself into this sexy S&M meat eater, complete with piercings, spiked hands, fishnets, and leather. What a fricking mess this film is.

This installment does get credit for being the first that features infection spreading through bites to the brain. Thankfully, they waited until the god-awful 90s were over before attempting another sequel. In fact…they made TWO of them simultaneously and premiered them on the SyFy network. I know. That’s a bad sign.

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Part 4, subtitled Necopolis, is a necropoMESS. Man, this film makes no sense, especially when you consider that a good portion of the characters appear in the film that follows. Peter Coyote is fucking around with the zombie virus shit this time, keeping it contained in his lab. Living with him are his two orphaned nephews, a young boy and a college kid. The college kid’s friend gets into a motorcycle accident and then disappears. So a group of his motorcycling friends infiltrate the uncle’s lab—on their motorcycles—to bust the friend out because they’re sure he’s in there. You can guess what happens next. ZOMBIES.

It’s ridiculous. Peter Coyote is cloning zombie babies, plans world domination (Peter Coyote? Really???), and has actually turned his nephews’ deceased parents into zombie robot machines. The army is called in. RUINED. Gone is any humor or campiness for which this series was known, except for ONE line, when one zombie says to the gang of kids, “This is the part where you all run screaming.” Oh, and there’s also a nod to a scene from the first film involving a zombie getting on a CB and calling for ‘backup.’ Plus, the cry for BRAINS has returned.

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So finally, we get to Part 5, subtitled Rave to the Grave. Aside from the fact that by this film’s release in 2005, raves were SO 1992, this really crappy movie is my second favorite in the series after the first film! It doesn’t even TRY to disguise its humor with cleverness. It’s just all out stupidity. I can’t even believe that this film and Part 4 were made at the same time with many of the same actors, because they are SO completely different in tone and style. This film seems to have at least a clue as to what made the first film such a cult classic.

I don’t understand any of it, but evil Peter Coyote is still up to no good, but then things go horribly wrong for him. His younger nephew is completely out of the picture, but the older one is back, and finds canisters of virus goo in the attic. He brings it to his science nerd friends to examine. Before long, they are convinced they may have the next rave drug on their hands. Conveniently, they are THROWING a rave on Halloween night! Drugs are dealed, techno beats start pumping, and zombies start munching. Awesome.

Don’t even try to take this one seriously. There’s a comic duo of agents looking for the drums of virus goo, and they are campy goofballs. There are plenty of boobs and lesbian dancing, and one of the most used lines of dialogue in the film is simply “BRAINS!” It’s perfect. Zombies bite into brains like they’re eating an apple. Plus, there’s a shirtless male zombie with nipple rings. Come on. When are you EVER going to see that in another zombie film???

Yet, despite all its laughable traits, the film also has one moment that will make your skin crawl—zombies in a room flashing with strobe lights. And I thought running into a hoard of zombies in the dark was my worst nightmare. Now I have to imagine watching myself being eaten in flickering slow motion….

And there you have it. Watch part 1. Watch part 5. The rest can rot in their DVD coffins. Just hope that they don’t come rising out of those plastic coffins as undead discs….

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Wrong Turn takes a wrong turn somewhere around the middle of part 3

Posted on December 28, 2011 by Daniel

The original Wrong Turn is one of my favorite horror flicks of the Y2K decade. It’s got Eliza Dushku. It’s got that hot guy as her love interest. It’s got deformed backwoods freaks, suspense, gore. That’s all I really need to say about it. The straight-to-DVD sequels are the ones that need some nurturing….

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Wrong Turn 2: Dead End

I have to say, I’ve seen people say on the message boards that this one is their favorite and better than the first. I don’t totally agree, because the first one takes itself seriously to great effect, while this one tries to be more fluffy. Come on. It’s about a bunch of young people who gather in the woods to do a ‘survival’ reality show. But it works for what it is. AND, it stars Henry Rollins—shirtless.

The opening of this sequel rox. First of all—“Electric Avenue” is playing on the radio. Bonus points. American Idol alum Kimberly Caldwell plays herself, driving down a country road looking for this stupid reality show in which she is participating, arguing with her agent about how her career sux. Not only does she have a sense of humor about it, but she actually makes quite a good scream queen. Too bad she only lasts a few minutes. The gore starts right up with a phenomenal down the center slicing. Excellent effects here.

The film is loaded with stereotypical characters, out in the woods playing a reality show game while getting offed one by one. Chicks take off their tops, kids film a porn on the side, obnoxious guy thinks it’s hot to be teamed with a lesbian and resorts to toilet humor. But who cares? We just want to see them get sliced and diced, and they do. Plus, have I mentioned, Henry Rollins is shirtless? Oh, I have? Well, did I also mention he gets roped and bound upside down?

The nastiness is good n plenty in this one. We’re introduced to a female cannibal inbred backwoods freak with a freak baby. One male freak jerks off while watching a hot chick lying by the lake—which begs the question, if they think these women are so hot to look at…why do they mutilate them and make them into dinner? This scene quickly gets horrifying because the cannibal perv is caught in the act by his freak bitch—who then runs out on the shore with a knife screaming like a banshee. Can you imagine sunning yourself in the middle of the woods when one of these things comes bursting from the forest heading right for you???

But the ultimate moment in this movie (putting aside Henry Rollins shirtless and hog-tied) has to be the freaks playing a game of sex decoy…sick. However, the film does eventually resort to more of a torture porn feel that quite resembles dinner scenes out of classics like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. When all is said and done, we’re left with the promise of a bright future for our cannibal inbred backwoods freaks: a baby sucking on a finger…

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Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

Okay, so the deaths are plentiful and gruesome in this one, but CGI pretty much takes over, which is a big part of this installment’s problem. On the bright side, the plot revolves around a bus full of despicable prison inmates being transported through the country when they encounter the cannibal inbred backwoods freaks, so we don’t give a SHIT who gets mangled and slaughtered.

The film starts on the rapids with just your generic group of friends hanging out in the backwoods having sex. An arrow through the boob is a great way to start the fun, but from there we’re taken to the plight of the prisoners. Sure it’s great to have a predominantly male cast, but it also means way too many egos and constant infighting. Who cares??? The lack of a real ‘human’ element in this film makes it just a battle between different gangs of barbarians.

There are a couple of deliciously gruesome deaths, but there are also WAY too many of those CGI slicing effects…you know, a series of straight blades cuts through a body, the victim stands alive just long enough to throw us look that says, “Holy shit, I’ve just been sliced like a hard-boiled egg,” and then it melts into a pile of pieces. There’s also a brain-eating scene inspired by that of Hannibal Lecter. The real downfall for this film is when they kill a dog. So pointless. On a positive note, the lone female heroine is an AWESOME screamer. Oh, and there’s a nice twist at the end.

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Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings

Just how did our favorite deformed cannibal hillbillies come to be? Why, the answer is simple, as outlined in this prequel sequel. In 1974, there was this crazy house in rural West Virginia. There were loads of inbreeds being ‘studied’ there. But then one day, the inbreeds got smart. They figured out how to unlock their cages. They also must have watched a lot of modern horror during their time in the pen, because they make sure to give us a nice bit of torture as they wreak havoc on the mental institution.

Flash ahead to 2003 (get it? Before the first Wrong Turn), and it becomes even more clear that this movie was made specifically to cater to an adolescent male audience. Two couples are fucking in the same room—a guy and his girl…and an interracial lesbian couple. Another chick walks in and gives them a little scolding, is invited into bed with them, and laughingly says that she can’t because they have to get going. If she had only said yes, this would have been the beginnings of one hell of a porno instead of a horror movie.

From there, it’s a detour into backwoods slasher clichés. The gang is headed to a cabin in the woods—on snowmobiles. They get lost (one character self-referentially says they’re “making a wrong turn, I know it.”) It’s a blizzard. They need shelter. There’s a big building in the distance. It’s…an old abandoned crazy house!

Amongst our gang of young horn dogs is none other than the drug addicted boyfriend from Queer as Folk—no longer looking like a twink a decade later, and actually looking a bit pervy hanging out with these college kids.

Conveniently, there’s no cell service, and the lights are out in the building. They all go exploring, the pitch black building looks surprisingly well lit, one of the asshole dudes plays a scare prank, they finally get the lights working, there’s a music/party/dancing montage, and then they find clues about the horrible hillbillies that once roamed these halls—incredibly well kept clues like file folders and movie reels in this place that was supposed to have been abandoned for like 30 years after a horrible mass slaughter, but which is perfectly intact with fresh blankets and sheet on the beds for the kids to have sex in.

Finally, the hillbillies make themselves known and the CGI gore begins. These are some seriously smart hillbillies, even pulling the spark plugs from the snowmobiles so the kids can’t get away. Once the kids are aware of the danger, they make the most obvious decision—they split up.

Sure, there are some average kills in the film, but torture fans and homophobes will rejoice when they capture the Queer as Folk guy, strap him to a table, and systematically cut off pieces of his flesh as he screams non-stop. It may seem derivative of Hostel II, but really, it’s completely knew and original. They slice up onions and potatoes, they shish-kebab his meat, and they eat fondue style with a big vat of hot oil. I’m not kidding. About any of it. And while all this screaming is going on, the remaining friends are in another room taking a vote by show of hands to see if they should actually go save him. Again, I’m not kidding. And I’m even more not kidding when I tell you the girls enter a room single file wielding butcher knives (which made me laugh out loud), they end up locking the hillbillies in a cage, they are ready to torch the inbreeds, and then the lead chick puts on her IRC badge (Inbreed Rights Campaign) and talks them out of it.

So, are we really supposed to feel any sympathy for the remaining characters when the hillbillies escape…? And think about it—this is a prequel. The hillbillies are still a secret from civilized society when they slice up Eliza Dushku’s friends in the first movie, which can only mean one thing about how this prequel ends….

 

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What a large body count this zombie film has got…hot bodies, that is

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Daniel

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How often do you see rippling man muscles in the first 5 minutes of a zombie film? Living muscles, that is. When Steve Niles’ Remains begins, it appears that the few survivors of the zombie apocalypse are spared any cannibalistic tendencies because they are inside—sort of like how the characters inside any metal contraption were spared in the 80s classic Night of the Comet. However, just like pretty much every moment in this movie, it’s never fully verified or explained. So let me remind you—the shirtless male action begins within the first 5 minutes.

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And the amount of hot men, several of whom get shirtless, continues. This GOD comes out in a towel after a shower (doesn’t everyone shower during a zombie apocalypse?) and strikes some incredible poses, totally turning on another male character. No really. I mean it. The other guy is a gay character. Take a guess if he survives…. I must say though. These two have some serious chemistry.

While I usually have issue with the introduction of army men or rogue survivor gangs in my zombie films, they only add to the man meat in this film, so I can forgive. At the same time, they do add to the gore and zombie action, and this film has loads of it. While it is a fairly big mess of incomplete scenes strung together, the zombie action is quite entertaining and there are some good jump scares, as well as humor.

Really, the series of half-assed action scenes is the big problem, as are the dozens of wtf moments that will have you rolling your eyes at the decisions of these characters—or the lack of logic of the situations. The characters keep making these escape plans, we don’t know why they make them or what they are exactly, they kind of execute them, get into a heap of zombie trouble, and then are suddenly, inexplicably safe again. For instance, guy and girl being chased by relentless zombie, they drop through a hatch in a ceiling, zombie grabs chick’s head, she gets free…and then zombie doesn’t bother to drop in after them! And they don’t show any concern that he MIGHT.

Have I mentioned the amount of hot men in this movie?

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But, I have to admit, the film does actually add something new to the genre—lots of shirtless men and no shirtless women. Okay, there’s more. First, we have the fact that zombies fricking come to a dead standstill sleep at night!!! Yep, right out on the street. Oh. And they also pee and poop. Can you imagine what it would smell like if zombies pooped out the raw human flesh they’d eaten…? Plus, the zombies begin eating each other eventually. Oh wait. That happened in another zombie story. Oh yeah. It happened in my novella Zombied Out! So go grab a copy of Closet Monsters from Amazon….

Posted in Johnny You ARE Queer - Gay Thoughts, Movie Times & Television Schedules - Staying Entertained, The Evil of the Thriller - Everything Horror | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

It’s Christmas. Take the LED out!

Posted on December 20, 2011 by Daniel

Another year, another battle for a return to form when it comes to Christmas lights.

Let’s start with the dreaded L.E.D. lights that make everyone’s houses look like the set of Black Christmas. A few weeks ago as we prepared for Christmas, we headed to Lowes to get lights. So we’re in the Christmas light aisle, and this woman was there with her son and asked the lady who works at the store and was stocking shelves nearby if the set she was holding were ACTUALLY white or if they came out that blue gray color when they were plugged in. Of course the employee barely looked at the customer and was like, “They say white. They’re white.”

It being Christmas and all, and not wanting the customer’s son to get home and be really disappointed (I’m thinking about our beloved children), I pointed to a nearby display of lawn characters that used ‘white’ L.E.D. lights and said, “The ones you’re holding are LEDs like those. So they will come out that awful electric blue gray you’re talking about.”

Suddenly, the employee decided to be ‘helpful’ again and said all environmentally-friendy like (which was not very human-friendly at all), “They’re L.E.D.s. They cut down on energy. ”

I didn’t even look at her and simply said, “Yeah–but they look awful. Get those regular white lights over there.”

I’m never going to be able to ask that employee for help….

The reason we were at Lowes in the first place was to get lights for our Christmas tree. After years of using the little bulbs that have become so popular in the last few decades, we decided to have an old skool Christmas tree with the hardcore large screw-in bulbs. They look awesome on the tree, especially with the tons of tinsel I threw on the tree (that we’re now finding all over the house…). The real problem is the colors. See, years ago in the 80s, the strings used to have red, green, blue, white, and gold bulbs. Somewhere along the line, some genius decided to replace the gold bulbs with BLAZING ORANGE.

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Orange is NOT a Christmas color. It makes your tree look like something out of Nightmare Before Christmas. Plus, they are so blazing that they compete with the red. Thing is, you can’t even find gold bulbs in stores anymore. In fact, you can barely find the screw-in bulbs at all, and when you do, it’s always the multi-color pack, so it’s not like you can just buy a bunch of green bulbs if that’s all you need.

That’s where Amazon comes in. I found a 25-pack of ‘yellow’ bulbs online! They look pretty gold in the picture, but even if they are more yellow, it will still look better than orange. Unfortunately, It’s 5 days until Christmas, so I probably won’t get them in time—maybe I’ll get them on Monday after Christmas. Believe me, I will STILL replace those orange bulbs on the 26th just to experience an old-fashioned day after Christmas.

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But there’s one other problem—kinda like the Lowes lady’s revenge. With these awesome old skool light strings on our tree…well…if we so much as plug a cell phone in to a wall to recharge it while the tree is lit…we blow a fuse and the entire house is plunged into darkness. Black Christmas indeed.

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Who’s afraid of the big bad Fright Night remake?

Posted on December 19, 2011 by Daniel

fright-night-remake

Right off the bat, the Fright Night remake did some things incredibly right, at least for me. Hot off the many heels of The United States of Tara, it cast Toni Colette as the mom. I’m amazed she even did it, but glad she did. It cast Colin Farrell as the vampire. Not saying he is in any way better than Chris Sarandon in the original—but he looks hotter than he has in years and it’s not a stretch to imagine him sucking on your neck. And speaking of Chris Sarandon…he has a cameo. AWESOME.

Of course, there are just some things you simply cannot top from the original’s legacy. What is Fright Night without Herman’s Head guy as the lead, the Married With Children lesbo as his girlfriend, the freaky gay porn star kid as his best friend (although the Super Bad kid in the new one is good casting), and Roddy McDowall as Peter Vincent? The Peter Vincent character is my least favorite part of the remake. Don’t get me wrong. While the Doctor Who guy is quite good in his part, the character of the horror host is written as this cliché goth rock type. Yawn.

Now, I have to say, the opening scene, while using typical slick modern horror opening scene conventions, is quite suspenseful. It definitely could have been longer, and from what I can tell, this is the scene that appeared in the trailer with the vampire hovering right above the bed while the kid is hiding underneath it. That clip didn’t make the cut in the finished product, despite being hot. Bummer. The scene also demonstrates in detail how it’s okay to keep a gun in a home filled with kids as long as you have a lock on it. I’m guessing the NRA sponsored this film…

Fright Night remake is pretty nonstop in its action from start to finish with a bit of humor thrown in, so it definitely keeps you interested. Although, I could have done without the Twilight reference (too soon! Like pouring salt on an open wound). The most blatant problem is the overuse of CGI. Even so, when Colin turns all demonic, it looks pretty sick—and I hate to say this, but he kinda looks like John Travolta in his ghastly form! Sorry John. Still love you in Grease!

In the small part she gets to shine, Toni Colette rocks as the mother—my mom probably would have believed me just as quickly if I told her there was a vampire living next door, because she was cool that way. Also, there are some awesome creepy crawly vampires that move in true Ring 2 fashion, and watch out for the man-on-man kiss (in lieu of the freaky gay porn star kid, perhaps???).

Fright Night 2011 will never rival Fright Night 1985. But it’s watchable. Personally, I think its biggest flaw is the absence of the theme song performed by the J. Geils Band, which I have on 45 RPM vinyl but which was completely ignored by pop radio in 1985 because Peter Wolf had already left the band. Lights Out. I mean…Peace Out.

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Subspecies sucks good—until it sucks bad

Posted on December 19, 2011 by Daniel

subspecies

The Subspecies franchise starts off awesomely cheesy, intriguing, creepy, campy, and gory all at once. But it begins to fall apart at the halfway mark. When it first came out in 1991, it was premature for the exposure the internet can offer…so every time customers came into the video store I worked at and asked if we had this movie, they left disappointed. It just wasn’t mainstream enough to be worth the 90-dollar price tag (can you fricking believe VHS tapes used to cost 90 bux???).

In an effort to attract horror fanatics, the first Subspecies featured an appearance by Angus ‘Tall Man’ Scrimm of Phantasm fame. And by appearance, I mean, you hardly know he’s in it. He has about a 2-minute cameo and is sporting this bizarre white afro. The plot is simple. There’s this king (Angus) who has 2 sons. He is in possession of this bloodstone thing. His ghoulish vampire son Radu wants it, but it’s going to instead be given to Radu’s sexy brother Stefan (who looks like a member of Duran Duran circa 1982). So Radu kills dad and plots to do the same to his brother.

Enter into Transylvania two clueless American chicks (actually, they’re not clueless….they’re well-educated, in the country on a grant to do studies). They get, um, sucked into the crazy world of this vampire sibling rivalry. If for no other reason, watch this vampire film for Radu, the scariest vamp I’ve seen since Salem’s Lot. He’s got a gruesome face, super long fingers and press-on nails, eerie eyes, a pervert’s husky voice, and a pervert’s constant drooling problem (although, he drools blood). Plus, the setting of sweeping hillsides and castle ruins are stunning, totally upping the atmosphere.

Favorite horror clichés abound, including organ music, candelabras, drafty dungeons, moonlight and fog, vampiric women in flowing white dresses, and vampire coffins that seem to be lit from beneath. Just pay no mind to the ridiculous claymation-like demon trolls that are Radu’s minions, and in my case, also beware the gratuitous boobage. And speaking of boobs, Radu sets up a literal ‘booby’ trap to capture his brother Stefan! Plus, there’s a super grizzly beheading. But the best part of the series is only hinted at in the first film—the vampire shadow.

The vampire shadow is the star of Subspecies II: Bloodstone. Radu is back. He looks different, but he’s the same actor, Anders Hove, whose credits also include time on General Hospital in the 90s! Also back is the lead female character Michelle from the first film…now a vampire, and played by a different actress! Although it’s supposed to pick up right where the first one left off, the lead chick’s bull dyke hairstyle from movie 1 is now a long curly bush of beautiful auburn locks. I guess your hair not only continues to grow after you die, but it grows instantly.

Anyway, Michelle is on the run from Radu, who is officially her master. She’s got the bloodstone now, which, like her hair, has magically quadrupled in size over night. She’s not adjusting well to the vampire lifestyle (it isn’t a choice, but you’re also not born that way….), and fricking calls her sister to Transylvania to help her! When her sister arrives and you first see that dyke haircut, you’ll be convinced the chick who played Michelle in the first film is now playing the sister in the second movie. But it’s not her, it’s actually—William Shatner’s daughter! I’m not even kidding.

The sister is the focus this time, and her love interest is a cutie I recognized immediately as the love interest in Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (I love my scream kings). But like I said before, the star is Radu’s shadow. With just the simplest of lighting tricks, this movie is loaded with visuals of Radu’s presence as gnarly shadows stretch to huge proportions against walls and sides of buildings, accompanied by an eerie whooshing breath sound. Once you’ve witnessed this completely overused effect, you will be sold on this film. It doesn’t even matter what the plot is, just as long as they continuously exploit the shadow, which they so do. The shadow seriously makes part 2 better than the first film.

And then there’s one last addition to part 2. The zombie momma! Yep, we get to meet Radu’s mom, and she is this nasty little zombie bitch who is seriously the perfect bride for the crypt keeper. And wait until you see her twirling fire dance at the end of the film. Zombie momma is a hoot. And she also sets the stage for the third film….

Subspecies III: Bloodlust picks up right where part 2 leaves off. The police raid the tomb, Shatner tells them about vampires, they don’t believe her, she sneaks in to the tomb—and sees zombie momma bringing Radu back to life. This undead dude just won’t die!!! This is when things start to fall apart. A lot of nothing happens in this one, and the eeriness of the series starts to falter. There are way too many ridiculous changes from day tonight. I barely exaggerate when I say it’s almost like someone will turn a corner in daylight and when they round it, it’s nighttime. And the creepy shadow effect has become this silly giant skeletal hand puppet that appears on walls—and even over the moon!

This movie also introduces heavy use of the vampire needing to rip off a chick’s top to show her tits before he feeds on her. It’s not vampire erotica at all—Radu’s face looks like shit and you don’t even want to imagine it latching onto a nice big tit-tay! It seems like an attempt for the weakening series to keep male viewers’ attention. Amazing how I’ve been devoted to horror for 42-years despite it being predominantly loaded with boobs, yet straight male viewers will give a horror movie one star if it doesn’t feature any (trust me—I see tons of postings of this nature on message boards).

A small group of heroes raids the castle to save Michelle at the end, manage to get the bloodstone from Radu and toss it out of the castle…and then throw that sucker over a wall into the sunlight and onto a bunch of wooden spikes. As he burns up, they drive off…and then the little claymation demon trolls return. COME ON. REALLY?

Apparently, the creator of the series began to realize how lame those little devils were getting, because when Subspecies IV: Bloodstorm begins, the trolls don’t appear to revive our vamp as setup in the previous film. Instead, Radu’s BBQed bod falls off the spikes…and into a puddle of water. Yep, his fire is put out. And it so happens the bloodstone they tossed out of the castle in part 3 is sitting on the ground right next to him, allowing him to suck its nutrients to repair himself!

Meanwhile, our group of heroes that drove away at the end of the last film, with Michelle (still played by the second actress) in a body bag to protect her from the sun, had a deadly car accident! A woman driving by stops and finds Michelle ‘alive’ in the body bag. This woman happens to be a doctor, so she brings Radu’s fledgling to a nearby hospital, where the sleaziest, creepiest doctor ever has plans for her vampiric existence…setting himself up for a serious problem with the incredibly possessive Radu.

The shadow trick is now nothing more than a stick figure shadow on the wall and then the vampire materializing like Scotty beamed him up. Boobage is in high count with every feeding, there are a bunch of wacky new characters in the mix, and Radu suddenly has an entourage of vamps, including male vamp Ash, who has apparently been his fledgling all along. This character is to become the lead vampire in the fifth film. So you know what that means for Radu. FINALLY. But boy is it a weird finish to the official Radu story. The movie ends so abruptly with little fanfare.

This is where things get confusing. The unofficial fifth film is simply called The Vampire Journals. But, from what I can tell, it was released a year before Subspecies IV, so I’m not sure if that’s where it belongs in the timeline. This film is pretty much a redo of the original Subspecies. Ash, from Subspecies IV, is the lead vampire in this film who becomes drawn to a specific woman he wants to seduce (just like Radu in the first film). Problem is, he’s not of Radu gnarliness. He looks like he would be the lead singer of some bad 80s hair band—wait, I take that back. There’s no such thing as a bad 80s hair band. They all rock.

Meanwhile, there’s this ‘good’ vampire named Zachary who is trying to protect the new heroine from him (just like Stefan tried to protect Michelle in the first film). This time, there are also no creepy decrepit castles. This takes place in the high society world of the arts. And it’s BORING. Too many characters and too much plot (kinda like an Anne Rice vampire movie adaptation), plus actors from past series, some in the same roles, some as completely different characters. In fact, there’s an entire opening that SEEMS to be a quick recap of the Radu/Michelle story, with different actors. Unless it’s not supposed to be them—I don’t even know for sure. The lame shadow/materializing effect from Subspecies IV is used, and the excessive tearing open of shirts to expose boobs seems to be a last ditch effort to make this film interesting to the right kind of viewers. Dare I say that for me, it was the last nail in the coffin of this once captivating vampire series?

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Dance Dance Revolutionized on the Wii

Posted on December 7, 2011 by Daniel

dance-dance-revolution-wii

After over a decade and 3 generations of gaming systems, it seems Konami has NEARLY gotten it right with the two latest DDR titles that have hit the Wii—simply going back to basics by titling then Dance Dance Revolution Wii and Dance Dance Revolution II Wii. No ‘extreme’ or ‘hottest party’ subtitles. I’m the kinda way over-aged kid who wants to just jump in, select a song, and dance till I can’t dance till I can’t dance no more. But over the years, numerous variations on the series on numerous game systems has featured idiotic things like story modes and journey modes, bonus rounds, challenge songs—dance this mess around!

That’s where these two new volumes come in—with volume 2 being an improvement even over the first one. The BIGGEST difference here is, for the first time ever, you actually get to choose to dance to a mere segment of a song (which has always been the case on DDR games), OR to dance to the ENTIRE SONG!!! WAHOO!!! And what’s even better is that both volumes are loaded with full-length original hits by the original stars! I know, I sound like a K-tel album advertisement, but the fact is, on past versions of the games, many times we were bombarded by cheesy hi-nrg and techno cover versions. Not here. You can dance to entire songs by Bananarama (love a good banana ramming), Natasha Bedingfield, The B-52s, Justin Bieber (anyone who got his start selling his goods on the internet is okay with me), Kelly Clarkson (the original American Idol), Miley Cyrus, Jason DeRulo, Duran Duran, Everything but the Girl (the way I like my porns…), Goldfrapp, Human League (I do want you baby, on DDR…and now I’ve got you), Ke$ha, Kool & the Gang, Lady Antebellum, Lady Gaga, Leona Lewis, Martha & the Vandellas (always feel at home in ‘Mo’ Town), Bruno Mars, Jason Mraz, Nelly (gayest rapper name ever), New Edition, Ne-Yo, Rihanna, Selena Gomez & The Scene (love my Disney pop stars), Sister Sledge, Jordin Sparks, Spice Girls, Donna Summer (the queen’s queen), Train, and Yaz (80s synthlicious). I get giddy just pointlessly listing them all! That’s six decades worth of dance music that gets this 42-year-old tween’s feet twitching faster than a bottle of Excedrin.

Being able to dance through an entire 3 to 4 minute song really intensifies the cardio. Maybe they’ll have a Dance Dance Gay Revolution edition loaded with 10-minute club anthems next time around. Unfortunately, there are more ‘stat’ screens after you complete a song than ever before. Stepping on the ‘A’ foot pad to skip through them all is like a whole other dance. Yeesh! Who cares about dance stats? Just let me pick the next song already!

Indeed, as if to balance out the longer songs, they’ve given us two left feet by throwing in all these extra screens between songs. In fact, once you’ve picked your song, you are sent to a load screen that ends in a freeze frame—forcing you to have to step on A to proceed to the song! Sure, that’s great if in the two seconds between picking your song and going to the dance screen you realize you have to pee. Otherwise, you end up standing there waiting for the song to start until you finally realize progressing to the song is all in your hands (or feet, in this case).

Then there’s the random “bonus challenges” or whatever the hell they are. You’ll be shakin’ your groove thing, finish a song, and then all of a sudden get notified that you have a challenge song. When you’re sent back to the song select screen, that song is automatically selected on the wheel of tunes. For someone as anal retentive as me who systematically, methodically, and OCDally progresses through the songs alphabetically, it’s a hassle. You can choose not take that challenge song, but when you finish the song you opted for instead, you get yet ANOTHER screen informing you that you totally FAILED the challenge. How did I fail it? I didn’t even TRY IT!!! And don’t ask, because I have no idea what the reward is for completing the challenge. If it’s that you don’t have to ever have one of these challenges cut in to your dancing with yourself, please let me know and perhaps I’ll take the challenge.

Oh, and another time consumer? You know how I said it’s so great that you can do an entire song? Well, EVERY time you choose a song, you have to choose whether you want to do the entire song or just a segment as WELL as choosing your difficulty. In past games, you just chose your difficulty on the main song select screen, which would become the default choice, and if you felt like changing it, you would do it there before choosing your next song. That SHOULD have been the option here for both song length and difficulty.

Despite its flaws, the game still has another positive: songs unlock based on how much dancing you do. That used to be the way it worked, but then somewhere along the line, they began to add these ‘journey’ modes with some ridiculous plot that forced you to compete in certain challenges to progress. Fail the challenge, song remains locked away. ANNOYING. But here, after every handful of songs, you get a new song added to the list. Hot.

And finally, Konami tried to introduce a new mode into the game with volume 1: hand dance moves using the Wiimote and Nunchuk. Blech. DDR has always been about the feet. Let those obnoxious dance games for the systems on which “you are the controller” have the monopoly on the hand movements. I’m a DDR purist. Not to mention, when you use two controllers that are connected by a wire to dance, there’s a REALLY good chance your hands are going to go in opposite directions at some point and your going to rip that wire right out of your controllers. I’ll never understand how those glow stick twirlers at the techno clubs in the 90s did it.

Good news is, Konami seemed to realize it didn’t stand a fighting chance against the ‘you are the controller’ technology, dropping hand movements completely for DDR II Wii. Call me old fashioned, but I still buy all my music on CD and play dance games with a dance pad. The big question is—which of those formats is going to be phased out first….?

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Dear Zombie Diary, torture porn has infected the living dead genre!!!

Posted on December 6, 2011 by Daniel

zombie-diaries

While George Romero was busy writing a Diary of the Dead, another little ‘found footage’ documentary style zombie movie was keeping Zombie Diaries. Different titles, but pretty much the same book: people filming their experiences as the world is overrun by the undead. In this case, the footage is presented as vignettes of several different ‘diaries’ about various groups and their situations. However, just like Romero’s film, Zombie Diaries also comes complete with a musical score—although, no character explains its presence like the film student narrator did in Diary of the Dead.

There are some really creepy moments in the first Zombie Diaries. The camera POV and flashlight beam as the only light source works incredibly well in creating pockets of terror (particularly in the first ‘diary’ excerpt)—and there’s also a zombies in the cemetery scene! Indeed, there are several excellent short films trapped within the opening and closing credits if this full-length feature. Other than that, I’m sorry, but I can NOT get past these found footage films putting characters in horrific situations—and yet the person behind the camera never puts it down!!! I refuse to suspend disbelief. If you were in fields surrounded by zombies and paranoid common folk shooting guns like they were at an NRA family picnic, you would NOT be looking tunnel vision through a camera lens. This has been a major flaw of these films since that stupid bitch in The Blair Witch Project wouldn’t put down the fucking camera and ended up making her cute chubby friend invisible witch dinner.

It is notable that the characters struggling to survive the aftermath in this film go through a lot of the same motions as characters in most zombie celluloid, such as sneaking into deserted towns looking for supplies, fearing the drinking water is contaminated if zombies are in it, and, of course, the moral dilemma of shooting a loved one if they’ve been bit (personally, that would NOT be a conundrum for me…sorry loved ones.). And then there’s the conflict of interests as the lives of various groups of survivors collide. Why can’t the few who still live ever get along in these movies??? Unfortunately, this is where the first film begins the torture porn that is later fully exploited in the sequel. Nope. Not even a zombie apocalypse is a wake-up call for the scum of the earth. Raping, pillaging, and killing abounds. And suddenly, I see the light. Oh gosh. Maybe the humans are the real monsters…not the zombies. How could I have been so blind?

zombie-diaries-2

Zombie Diaries 2 tries a new approach. Instead of several individual stories that eventually converge, we spend the whole movie following a small cluster of military soldiers. And man does it get repetitious. It’s essentially a video game: a mission-based first person shooter that you don’t get to play. They spend the entire movie going from one location to the next while fighting off zombies. It’s a shoot and escape action game. The unique aspect of this film is the periodic flashback clips of how the military men were responsible for executing civilians in an attempt to control the infection. What innovative commentary on society.

I will say, the opening scene has one of the best zombie scares ever. I nearly pooped myself even though I totally knew it was coming. It’s also the only scene not related to the remainder of the film. It’s essentially an epilogue showing how the initial outbreak affects the general population (harkening back to the opening of the first film). And the sequel does have some of the same creepy moments as the first film involving tight spaces and just a night vision camera.

Plus, there is continuity, as characters from the first film return—in particular, the crazy dirt bags, back for extended raping, pillaging, and killing. The sequel seems to forget it’s a zombie film at this point, and it’s downhill from there. There’s even a part that appears to show the gang of sickos screwing a zombie. They are doing her from behind against a barn wall, and she is moaning and convulsing before they shoot her in the head, so she may have been human, but that’s not the impression I got. What do you want from me? I’m not exactly experienced in distinguishing the difference between a live and dead woman having sex….

As in the first film, it’s just as ridiculous that the cameraman—in this case, a cameraman for the military—never puts down the damn camera. And when the good guys are eventually taken hostage by the bad guys, the bad guys grab the camera and start filming. Why exactly is everyone so obsessed with capturing everything on camera??? So they can have matinees on weekends where zombies get in half-price?

Interestingly, with absolutely no logical reason for the lone survivor to be filming anything since there’s NO ONE left to film, the filmmakers suddenly opt to convert to a third person perspective for the finale scene—just in time to set us up for the promise of a trilogy…

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